Its September

Monday was our first day of school. I got the girls down by 9 last night and I was able to get to bed by 10. Last year sometimes we woke up at 6:45 and read from the scriptures but I do not think that is going to happen anymore. My husband has not been sleeping great and so well see what happens. I didn’t like it last year either for only the reason that I had to wake up earlier than I wanted to, but I did like that we read. So even if we woke up at 6:45, sometimes I would close my eyes on the couch after. My alarm rang at 7:30 and we had 20 minutes to get ready to be able to leave by 7:50. The doors at the school opened at 8:00 and school started at 8:20. Well this year they moved up the start time for school to 8:00. So I set my alarm for 7:15 and the girls leave at 7:40. Teddy rides in with Sam and they have been leaving around 7:45. It makes me happy that I do not have to take Teddy. I plan on going to the gym once my mouth is feeling better.

So Monday, I went into work at 8:00 because I had to leave at 10 for the funeral. I  got a call from the secretary at the school on Friday night that they were not going to have me be in kindergarten after all. They said that first grade qualified for three aids, so I was going to move over and be with two other ladies. So anyway, I was a little sad, but whatever. My teacher is different than what I am use to but it will be okay.

I left a little after 10 and headed to Rexburg. I met up with my family and we just hung out until 11 when the service started. It ended up being really sweet. My sister in law is the youngest of 9; she and all of her siblings spoke and gave tribute. They went youngest to oldest. My sister in law wanted to go first. She did a great job. I know she misses her dad tremendously but she is staying strong. When I saw my mom I told her that my mouth was still hurting and she asked me if I wanted a mint, I was taken back but said I guess my mouth smells and she said yes. That made me so embarrassed because I had been with people for the last few days and what if they thought I smelled, ugh. I have been trying to brush where I can and use mouthwash, but doesn’t look like its been helping. So anyway, I felt dumb, but whatever.

After the memorial service I headed home with the intent to grab the girls and go back up for the luncheon but when Macy got home, she said that Sally went to a friends house and her back was hurting and wanted to see if I could take her to the doctor. I had wanted to go back up, but decided to stay back. I cant really eat the food anyway, my mouth is still hurting and I am still doing soft foods. Actually, I have really just been doing protein shakes and some Greek yogurt. My eating disorder thoughts are super strong, so I hope that after I can start eating better, I will be able to do it.

I took Macy to the doctor and they did an x-ray of her spine to make sure nothing was wrong. It came back good, so they said its probably just a strain. Its hard to know how bad it is. I have never been good with pain and my kids. I tell them to suck it up, but would feel bad if something was really wrong. So well see. They told me to up the ibuprofen and rest. She was sad when I told her no football this week. We do not have games this Saturday because of the holiday, so that is helpful. Sam texted while I was at the doctors and said that Teddy wanted to stay for his practice and asked if I could drop off Teddy’s things later. I said okay. Then Teddy called and said he actually wanted to come home, so after we left, I went and picked him up. We had a couple of hours before his practice so I came home and tried to clean.

When I left the funeral, I asked my parents if there was a time Macy could see them. She was sad that I wouldn’t let her go to the funeral. When my mom wasn’t around, my dad said that they might even stay at out house because of so many people up at my brothers house, but I took it with a grain of salt. When my mom came out, she said they would try and make it down to our house later that day. They ended up coming in the early evening but didn’t stay that long, just said hi. There was enough time for my dad to help me fix a few things in my house. There is a cabinet in the kitchen that he fixed the last time he was here, but Sally hung on it and it bent. He was able to get it fixed and I was grateful. There was also a rod in the bathroom that Sally had broken too. He tried to fix it but wasn’t able to, my bed was also broken and he tried but wasn’t able to fix it either. He said if he had enough time on Tuesday he would get some items at the hardware store and come by. My mom didn’t seem to think he would have time but he did.

Tuesday the kids got out on time and I laid back down. At 9:15 my dad knocked on my door. He was able to get the stuff needed, and his neat little brain made up a special support for my bed that worked. I am grateful that he took the time to come and help me. I had planned on going to work at 9:45 but wasn’t able to get there until 10. So in the mornings, there is a lady that is in the Chinese class and I am in the English class. There is another lady that comes in at 10:45 in the English class as well. I go outside for duty from 11:15-11:35 and then again from 11:45-12:05. I am so not going to like that in the winter, having to come in for 10 minutes and go back out again. This week the kindergarten kids are not here all day, they are just doing some testing so I only have to go out for the later time but I will next week. It is also only me watching all the kids. We have a small playground for the K and 1^st graders and a bigger playground for the 2^nd-5^th grade. The other area has 3 duty’s watching them and I know it’s a bigger area, but it was still a lot of kids and not a lot of room. So well see what happens. Duty is probably the thing I least like about working at the school.

Anyway, when I got back in from watching the kids, the lady that was in the Chinese had left for the day and the other lady stayed in English, so I had to go into the Chinese class. I did not love it, but whatever. The normal first grade teacher got a concussion, so she has not been there. The sub from Monday was a regular stub but the sub for Tuesday was a native Chinese speaker, so she taught the kids in Chinese and I was somewhat lost. It is going to be so boring. I had to go into the Chinese class two years ago in second grade it was not cool, so I am grinning and bearing it. I left a little after two and made it home with a few minutes to spare before the girls got home. We just hung out for a little bit and then I went and picked up Teddy. It was a mess, there were so many people. I think I might wait until 4 each day, but well see.

Tuesday evening the girls had football; I took Sally to practice. Macy helped her walk up and then I took Macy over to hers. She did not dress down and just helped out the coach. I went back and waited for Sally and she came back to the car after and was not crying, so I call that a win. When we were driving back to pick up Macy it started to storm. We made it just in time before it started raining. We made it home and just was home the rest of the night.

Wednesday I got the kids off and laid back down again. My mouth is finally starting to feel better but still hurts. I know that I cant go to the gym yet, so I am just resting. I think I am a little weak from not really having a meal in the last week. My body is telling me that I am hungry but my mouth is telling me not to have anything and maybe my mind to so. I am going to have my work cut out for me the next little while to start incorporating solid foods again. It is going to suck. But I can do it.

I got to work a little before 10 again and it was pretty much the same as yesterday. I tried to work with a little boy who was having a hard time. I would make a little progress and then back tract and then move forward again. One of the classes has a good deal of harder kids and that is the group that I have been with. Today I finally started to get some of the names down, yay. But I do not know any of the other group, so next week will be learning again. Our Chinese teacher was back to day but was not 100%, she had me try and help her out with some Chinese stuff and it was interesting. So we shall see.

I left work a little after 2 and came home and wrote a note to the girls that I was heading to my periodontist appointment and then left for Idaho Falls. I got there with a lot of time to spare, so I stayed in the car for a little bit and watched a show and then went in 10 minutes early. They got me right in and the doctor came within another two minutes and told me everything was looking good and I could start brushing and flossing my whole teeth and to start eating what I feel comfortable doing. My left roof of my mouth is still very tender but ill see what I can do. I was in and out in under 10 minutes, so I left about the time my appointment was suppose to start, ha. I told Teddy I wasn’t going to be to the school until 4 to grab him but I was actually early. It still took us a booty long time to get out, but we made it home.

I laid down again but wasn’t able to go out. Sally had two friends over that were being so loud. They also kept asking for food and that is one of my biggest pet peeves. We are barely making it and I have gotten food for the kids breakfasts and lunches and all the friends want when they come is to eat. I hate saying no, but I finally had to. I wish I could tell the parents to either send their kid over after they have an after school snack or give me a box of something to give to all the kids. I know that I wont say anything to anyway, but it would be nice. I myself wish we had money, it would alleviate so much stress from my life, but this is my lot and I will lay in it and do all in my power to figure out how to live and love and do what I am suppose to do. Teddy had practice early today, so I took him and my husband is bringing him home. I am going to try and get the living room clean. I can do it!!!

Thursday work was fine, I finally have the red group names pretty much down. I have not been in the blue class, so I have no freakin clue who is in there. So anyway, nothing much happened the rest of the day. Sally didn’t want to get dressed for practice but she started to and I got a text that they cancelled practice. Thank goodness…Macy went to her practice just to watch today again. The freshman had a football game but it wasn’t home, so we didn’t go. They ended up winning but they played a not good team, so they are 1-1 now. Well see how the season turns out.

Fridays I normally do not go to work but today I went to help out at the assembly and because I had some extra hours to make up because I left early on Monday. It was cool; I like that they do it. So I came home and tried to do a little work for my dad but my internet was not working so then I had every intention to start cleaning but I laid down and read a chapter in my book and then tried to take a nap until the girls got home. I told them no friends today; I am really sick of the same friends over. Macy came home and said Sally went to the friend’s house instead of coming home. I knew that wasn’t going to be good, because she went to this friends house during the week and they came to our house within 10 minutes.

So I made Macy some lunch and sat down at the computer again and it was working, but within 10 minutes Sally and her friend were back. I reminded her that we had said no friends, but the friend asked if they could play in the backyard. I said fine. Why am I such a softie, I absolutely hate it. They played out there while I worked. They asked for some food and I told them they could today, but next week they couldn’t come each day and ask for food. I was able to get my work done and went to lay back down again. I am in such a funk and it sucks; no one know behind my closed doors that I am having a hard time. I feel like I am drowning and nobody can help me. My counselor last week told me she didn’t know if she could help me if I wasn’t going to put in work. I know that I can do it, but its just hard. I have so many things toppled on top of each other and she is the only one I can share with. So I hope I can keep doing it. She is out of town this week and then I am going to see her every other week and we’ll see what happens.

I got my bill from the periodontist today and it was almost $2000 bucks. I cannot believe that a short 30 minute procedure cost 980 and they did it on the front and the side that that number doubled. I don’t know yet if any was covered by insurance, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that maybe they hadn’t gotten the claim submitted and it wont be that much. I have so many expenses right now that its just hard. Anyway, not to be a bore like I always am. I will keep trying.

Friday night we headed to the football game. Macy and a few of her friends are on the Hope Squad this year again, and they got into the game free and helped sell some raffle tickets. One of her friends families came as well; they sad somewhere else though. I felt bad but I really just wanted to sit in our seats and watch the game. Sally laid on the floor of the bleachers and watched my phone and did fine. I was glad that Macy was distracted and with her friends. When they are both by me, it turns out bad. Anyway, we scored first and then the other team demolished us. We lost 50-7; we are doing so badly. The coaches dinner turned out good and we got home by 11:30 and in bed by midnight.

Saturday came bright and early but we did not have any games today because of the holiday weekend. I tried to sleep in but the kids were up early and asking for things. One of Macy’s friend called early but I didn’t answer. She kept calling so I finally picked up. She asked if Macy wanted to go to the fair with them. She said she did, so I brought her down to Idaho Falls. She has some money in her bank account, so she brought her wallet with her and I told her to not spend too much. She did good.

I fell asleep on the couch when I got home and woke up when Sally wanted lunch. Sam and Teddy left around 2:45 to drive down to Utah for the BYU football game. After they left, I did some laundry and tried to clean the downstairs. The boys always tell me that they help me out but I am the one who ends up cleaning up their messes. I wish I had help, but for some reason my spouse thinks he helps me when really he doesn’t. I don’t let it bother me too bad, I just do it and suck it up.

In the afternoon, I had a friend invite me to the Chukars game. They are an independent baseball team that plays in Idaho Falls. I told her I had to watch the girls and she invited them too. I called Macy and her friend asked if she could come. I tried to talk to Macy and see what she wanted, but her friend was listening in. I first told her that it was just going to be us, but then Sally got invited to go to a friends house for some s’mores and to play. So she stayed home and I brought Macy and her friend. On the way home, Macy said she had just wanted it to be us but felt like she couldn’t say that with the friend listening. O well, it worked out. We stayed until the 7^th inning but left because it was getting too late. Sally was home when we got home, she had done well just watching her ipad and I was surprised that she hadn’t called me.

Sunday morning, I did not want to get up. Macy woke up relatively early but Sally slept in. Sam and Teddy didn’t get home until like 4 am so they were sleeping. Macy and I got ready for church and we were going to leave if Sally didn’t wake up, but she did and she said that she wanted to go. I was surprised because she normally wants to stay home. Well, I wish that she would have stayed home because she had a really hard time. And Macy wasn’t any better; at one point I just looked at them and got tears in my eyes. I am at a lost at what to do. They are so mean to each other and they don’t give a crap about what I say. All they want to do is watch their iPads, so I took them away. They threw a mini tantrum right there in church and it was just horrible. Sally hung on my during music time but went to class, so that was good. Anyway, we made it and came home and the girls were super sad because I took away their stuff. I made them some lunch and then went and laid down.

All I want to do right now is sleep; I do not have any desire to do anything. I am so tired all the time and I just feel like a complete failure. I laid there for a while but never really went out; the girls kept telling me they were bored and didn’t know what to do. Macy wanted to play a card game but Sally did not and I should have told her that I would play but I didn’t. I told them if they cleaned their room, maybe they could earn their iPads back. They did and so I let them. I do not know how to change. They have had screens since they were little. When I worked from home, I had to let them watch TV and now, they just are addicted. And I know that it is my fault, but there are times when I just need to get things done or rest and its just easier for them to watch a show. So anyway, Sam and Teddy got up by midafternoon.

I feel bad because I did not do grocery shopping yesterday. From the 1-20^th of the month, we are always cutting it close to make it to payday and this month is no different. I wish we didn’t have to worry about money and had means to be able to be stable but were not and I am just scared sick. I think it adds to my depression. Now I have to pull dinner out of thin air and I know they will be disappointed in me because its not going to be good. I hate meals and everything about them but its something that we need to sustain life and it makes me sad that I suck at it. I know well figure something out, but I just don’t know.

So I ended up making some sausage in a biscuit and some other random things. It turned out okay and I was grateful. This afternoon after I got out of bed, I sat on the couch and just sat with the suck. I read through some emails and read some talks and just contemplated a lot. I have so much fear and its killing me. I do not know how we are going to make it. I do not know how to help my kids. I did come to the conclusion that I need to get over myself and just do it. I can be a better mom to my kids and I can do better for myself. I sometimes get stuck playing the victim and I am not. I have made choices that have brought me here and somehow I have to get to work.

I took a bath and just let the hot water wash over me and I got out and was determined to be better. The kids are in bed and I am going to bed too. Tomorrow we do not have school and no work for me, I am so happy. Its only a week into school and I am already done; its going to be a long year. But I do not have any option other than to wake up and get shit done and have a better attitude. I need to eat food and be okay with who I am. Thank You