August is Coming to a Close Soon

This turned into a really long post!!! I finished the post on Sunday but wasn’t able to post it until today, Tuesday. My husband was using the computer getting ready for work and I just didn’t find the time. 😊

Monday, I woke up and wasn’t feeling great; my head and tummy hurt, and I didn’t know why. I took Teddy to his speed and agility class and then came home and tried to lay back down but I couldn’t go out. I picked him up an hour later and crashed. I know I should have been more productive, but I was beat. I just don’t know why I am so tired. I am not sleeping as good as I have the last few years, it’s like I am a baby going through a sleep regression, it just sucks.

So Macy was invited to a friend’s house, she didn’t know if she wanted to go but she decided to go but asked me to make sure it wasn’t too long. I got up around noon and got ready and took her down to Idaho Falls. I dropped her off at 1 and told her I would be back at 4. Normally the friend calls and asks her to stay longer and it seems like Macy wants to but then I pick her up later and she says she really didn’t want to. We had a few things going on in the evening, so I told her friend I had to grab her earlier than she wanted.

After dropping her off, I went to a few stores. I needed a few new shirts for work. I stopped a the thrift store Uptown Cheapskates and was able to find three shirts. I went to Sam’s Club and had to get a lot of essentials, it always ends up costing more than I want to spend but that’s okay. I ended up also going to Goodwill and found a few things as well. I wish I had money to spend at nicer places but I don’t. I also do not like where my body is at the moment, so I really don’t want to spend money on clothes that I hope I wont be in for much longer. I am annoyed that in 2021, I lost 100 pounds and got rid of all my large clothes, and now I wish I still had some of those. I have my smaller clothes in a bin at the house. A while ago, I got rid of all my super sick clothes and that was hard because I wish I was skinny again, but I have to come to terms with the fact that I will probably always be in a larger body if I am not anorexic and sick. So anyway, I came home and left again to pick up Macy. She said she was glad I picked her up when I did.

I came home and cooked two dinners. I made one for a neighbor that had twins about a month ago. She is such a great mom but I saw them at the fair last week and she looked tired but good too…she was appreciative and I was glad to help out. I made dinner for my family too. The last two weeks I have subbed for a friend who is part of a pickleball league; she gave me their number and I texted that I would like to sub again if there ever was a need and they said they needed someone for Monday night. Yay. My tummy still wasn’t 100% but I really wanted to play. The girls had another movie night at a different friend, so I was able to find them a ride and then play and be done in time to pick them up. I am grateful for good friends.

Tuesday morning, I was feeling better. I took Teddy to a hip and mobility class and then dropped him off at a friends and went to the temple. I have missed the solace of the temple, but it took me a long time to go. I think its something I will keep doing. Sally was able to play with a friend today and Macy stayed home. She got a little board and she doesn’t like to be home alone, but she did fine. She rode her bike to the store and got some candy. She had her own debit card now and can just go and do it. The store is on the same road we live on just closer into town. I trust her and it gets her out of the house.

Tuesday evening we had back to school. Teddy went with some friends to the middle school and I took the girls to meet their teachers. They both are going to have two teachers this year like they had last year. Sally gets one of the same teachers from last year and I think that will help her. I talked to the principal about what we can do to help Sally. I have been waiting for his email back to me and he said he sent something but it went to my spam. I was so annoyed but that’s okay. I also called the Health Center today because its been two weeks since I did the intake packet online and I set up an appointment for September 12. Fingers crossed we can get her some help. I believe all my family could benefit from some help; but well see.

Wednesday was an interesting day. I had a dental procedure in the morning, but before that I took Teddy to his class in the morning and he asked if he could play with a friend after but the friend wasn’t available until the afternoon, and then they never texted in the afternoon either so he ended up playing with another friend and his little brother. I am grateful for friends. Sally and Macy were able to go over to a friends house too. I got to my appointment about 15 minutes early, but they were ready and took me right back. I was getting a gingiva/gum graft because of some receding gums. I didn’t go to the dentist for a long time because I knew my gums were bad, but once I finally went, I committed to taking care of it. I took some ibuprofen and they got started. I was numb of course, they took some tissue form the roof of my mouth and stitched it to the bad areas on the front two teeth and some side teeth. I was okay during the procedure; I didn’t love leaving with a numb mouth but it was okay. Later that day, when the numbness and paid medication had wore off, it hurt pretty bad. I took some more medication and tried to rest.

I had to try and sleep not completely lying down, I started in bed propped up on a pillow but ended up sliding down, o well. I did not sleep great. I am having such a hard time falling asleep, its like my medication just stopped working. I am going to have to figure it out because I need sleep and am not a happy person when I am tired and I am tired all the time right now. So anyway, Thursday morning came early and for some reason the kids were up at the crack of dawn. I tried to keep sleeping but to no avail. I got up and did some cleaning. Sally was able to go to a friends house again and Teddy played with someone too. That left Macy again. She went to the park and played football with Teddy for a little bit but came home not too happy. I had a webinar from 12-1 and it was cool. It was put on by a lady from Center for Change, she is the director of experiential therapies and teaches yoga and another class called RIMBA. This stands for reconnecting intuitive movement with balanced awareness. It was one of my favorite things to do at CFC. It was really just dancing but in an intuitive way; and I cannot dance for the life of me, but I tried.

After the webinar my mouth was hurting so I got some medication and laid down for a little rest. I was not able to sleep but I tried to relax. I had leave around 2:40 to head to my counseling session in Rexburg. It was an interesting appointment. I haven’t really eaten a lot the last two days because of my mouth and with my history of starvation, my therapist is worried. To be honest, I wish I never had to eat again. It is not something that I love and it takes all I have to put off the eating disorder thoughts and just eat the food. My counselor and I talked today about taking a different approach to healing this time around. I need to dig deep and work through my issues head on.

She asked me if I would be interested in meeting with a dietitian again and I said possibly. I know that my dietitian that I had went on an extended maternity leave and hasn’t seen patients in two years. My therapist said that she might be seeing a few people and to check and see. When I got home I texted her and she said she is but has a waiting list; I don’t know what to do. I would love to see a dietitian again but I do not know if it is going to work out. She said she would put me on the list and also send me a list of other possible dietitians. I don’t really want to work with someone new, I need to figure it all out. I have tools that I gained in the past, I am just having a hard time connecting with them. My brain and body feel such a disconnect and that is what I need to work on. I have a lot I could write, but this blog wasn’t created to write about my problems, even though I share a lot anyway. I have a little black book by my nightstand that will hold all my deep feelings. And I will want it burned if something happens to me.

So while I was gone to my session, Macy was able to ride her bike to the city park and there was some people there from the fire department. They brought a few of the trucks and sprayed the kids down. Im glad she had somewhere to go. On my way home I picked up Sally and we then got ready for her football practice. It did not go very well. I dropped her off and waited with her for a good twenty minutes. She was nervous and kept looking at me like she was going to cry. But she seemed to hold it together and I had to leave to take Macy to her practice. I dropped Macy off and went back. I pulled up to the school and could not see Sally out with the team. I then saw her with the coach’s wife, and she was crying. She brought her to me and then left. I asked Sally what was wrong and at first she didn’t tell me but then she said her legs had gotten wobbly and she didn’t know what to do, so she started crying. I told her that it was okay, but she just kept crying. 4 years ago she had tried soccer and it was horrible. I thought she was over it and she did okay in softball this year, but I am not sure this is going to be good. She told me she feels like a failure and I hate that she feels that way. I tried to tell her that it was okay and she didn’t have to do anything she didn’t want to do. But she said she wants to do it, but she is scared. So well see, she asked if her dad could work with her and I told her we would ask. I texted the coach and just told them we were going to work through her anxiety and hopefully it turns out okay. They have their first game on Saturday and fingers crossed it is okay.

I took the time to make a dinner for my family tonight. It was a shepard’s pie and guess what. Nobody liked it, story of my life. I would so have not made it if I knew they would not eat it. Last time I made it, it got downed, so I don’t know. Sam ended up having pizza at the school tonight, so he wasn’t hungry when he got home, I was a little upset that I had taken over an hour and a half to make a meal, and it will go to waste. But whatever. Meals are the hardest for me right now; I wish I had the finances to get the best food or do meal prep stuff but we don’t. So I will keep doing what I am doing.

I got a text from my husband Thursday evening that said he had talked to the coach of the varsity team about doing a team meal for the coaches after the game on Friday; it was last minute but they thought we could pull it off and wanted me to spear head it. So I decided on a meal and got a list going. I messaged people on the group chat and text and was able to get some responses. I do not love to be the person in charge, and a lot of the wives of the coaches have no idea who I am, so it was hard, but I tried.

Friday was a busy day; Teddy had his orientation at the middle school and he wanted me to take him but I had a training at the elementary school at the same time. Lucky my husband was able to get out of a meeting at the high school and take him. The girls had a day camp for church that started while I was gone, so I had them ride their bikes to the church. My meetings went okay, one was a nurses training and the other was with the paraprofessionals and we just talked logistics and housekeeping items. I talked to my sister in law about timing and what she needed from me. After, I picked up Teddy at the high school and then went and checked on the girls. They seemed to have a good time. We made it home by 12:30. I then started a list of school supplies for Teddy and finalized what I would need to get for the coaches dinner. I went to the store and got what we needed and got home just in time to take Teddy to his practice.

Around 6 we headed to the high school for the football game. We found our seats and they are not anywhere near people I know but that’s okay. Sally had a hard time waiting for it to start but she made it. We made it a few minutes into the game and it started to sprinkle. The day had been a hot one, so were all wearing shorts and a short sleeved shirt. Then all of the sudden the heavens opened and it started to downpour. There was lightning, so they emptied the stadium and asked everyone to go sit in their cars. We ended up going into my husbands classroom and we waited for an hour.

Side note, I got some new tennis shoes on amazon for cheap, I follow a group on facebook that posts about deals and I was able to get them for half off. But they are white and I have never really gotten white shoes before because they get dirty easy. Well, I got them in the mail today and I ended up wearing them to the game. I had tried them on and they were comfortable so I just kept time on. I was mad about the rain, because that meant some mud. I tried to walk delicately but got a little bit on them, I was not happy, but o well.

We were able to continue the game after an hour and we did so bad. We were playing a 6A school from Utah and they were good. After the game, I went into the portables and got everything ready for the meal. We did not start eating until 11:45, so late. But it all turned out okay. I took the kids home about 12:30 and got them to bed by 12:45. I am not sure what time I was able to go out, but it was past 1.

Saturday morning we had to wake up a little after 7, Sally’s football game was at 8. She did not cry but did not really end up doing much. She went in for a few plays but really just stood there. The coach did not do a good job of rotating people in and definitely favored a few players. I felt bad for the couple sitting next to me, their son wanted to play and didn’t get a lot of time on the field, while Sally was content sitting on the sidelines and just watching. I was proud of her for at least being there and not crying. They ended up losing 7-0, so not too bad.

We had thirty minutes between Sally and Macy’s game so I took the girls to maverick and let them pick out a drink. They picked smoothies and that was better than soda and candy. Macy’s game went well, they won 22-0. Macy’s coach did a good job of switching out players and giving each girl an opportunity to get reps in. I think she liked playing too. So Teddys game was suppose to start before Macys ended, but the game before his went long, so we were able to make it to his full game. Three players on Macys team have brothers that play with Teddy, so that is nice. So anyway, Teddys team did not do well during the first quarter but then they turned it on. They ended up with 4 touchdowns and 4 extra points, so the end score was 32-0. Once their team got into a groove, they did well. It started to sprinkle again at the end of the game and by the time it ended it was pouring. We huddled under the bleachers while the boys shook hands and then ran to the car. It was crazy because when we left at 7:30 it was cold, then it got super hot and then cold again, it was nice to get home.

I had to do a quick clean up because at 2 my primary class came over for some ice cream. We have been working hard on being reverent at church and I created a rewards chart in the spring. It took us a good 4 months, but we earned the party. We have 10 kinds in the class and 8 of them were able to come. I was only going to do 30 minutes but told the parents an hour. We made it and it went good.

Later, Teddy was able to go to an end of summer party and I took Macy to a wedding reception. I am still not able to eat well, I have gotten some protein drinks and try to have some yogurt when I feel hungry but I don’t like the feeling of eating. I hope that next week I will start feeling better.

I forgot about my primary lesson for today, so I stayed up kinda late doing that. Sunday morning came early. Sally came in and said her tummy hurt, and I just thought to myself, and so it begins. She is going to be doing this a lot more with school starting and I gotta be firm. Teddy was awake when I got up buy Macy was not. I had Sally go wake up her dad, but she told him she wasn’t going, so he said he wanted to sleep so she didn’t have to go and he would stay with her. I woke up Macy and she was tired too. She has been complaining about a back ache, so I told her she could stay too. She likes church, so she was a little sad but I was fine with going with just Teddy and myself today.

I felt bad for him though because his best friend was not there and he has a hard time when he is not there. We also had a mission farewell today, so the place was packed. It took an additional 10 or so minutes for the boys to pass the sacrament to everyone but it went okay. Singing time and class went okay too. I was glad to come home and rest. I was super tired. I should have cleaned my living room, but o well. I tried to sleep but I just laid there. Macy asked me 50 times if I could play a card game with her and finally I said yes, but I stayed in bed.  

Sunday evening Macy and I went up to Rexburg for the viewing of my sister-in-law father. He was only 79 I think but he looked so much older, in the last couple of years he has not been in the best health and his body went through such a transformation. He lost so much weight, but he fought until the very end. It was a pleasure to have met and known him  All eight of her siblings were there and it was very special.