Halfway Through February

Were over halfway through February and I’m over here, just trudging through. I have only gone to the gym once in the last few weeks and I am trying to be mad at myself for not going, but I am kind of at the point where I am just tired all the time. Its not so much of a I’m sleepy tired but a physical exhaustion that I am trying to hide from everyone. I think the thing I need the most is to exercise and I definitely need to eat better. Its interesting because before in my life it was so easy for me to stop eating but I have come a long way in my recovery that I know I can’t do that but I think about it a lot; the ED voices are constant. I wouldn’t classify myself as having binge eating disorder but I have a hard time restraining myself and it just sucks; I feel like I am always hungry and I reach for the foods that are not good for me. I need to figure out how to get back on track.

It was just me at church today and I tried to put on my mask but there were a few people that saw through it. I just said that I was having a hard day and I was okay. I was a little weepy but I was able to keep my emotions at bay. Sometimes I wish I could have a big cry again, that is something that I use to have but has since gone. There is really no one right now that I can really talk to; and my deepest desires and thoughts are written in a different journal, that I will probably burn on my death bed. Its not really for anyone else to read but for me to get my feelings out of my brain and onto paper. Sometimes I am jumbled and it doesn’t make much sense, so that is why I am glad to have it down but not really for other people.