End of February

Well in a few fays it will be March, pretty crazy. The past few weeks I have gone through something that has taken my heart, dropped it into pieces and now I am trying to put them back. It really is not that big compared to what some people go through, but for me its kinda was a big deal. I am going to be okay and no one will really know but its good to get it out. Like I said before, I have my little black journal that I will probably always keep hidden for just me.

This past week went fast, we didn’t have school on Monday, which was nice and this upcoming week is the end of the trimester so we do not have school on Friday. We also had a snow day the week before last, so that has been three four day weeks. I seem to always be tired and I do like it when we do not have school and I do not have work. Work has been okay, nothing spectacular, its hard coming home and working for my dad, it’s a whole lots of messages and rejection. I hope to be able to get some success but well see, I will keep trying.

I was able to talk to a friend on Monday. She lives in Utah and has always been kind to me. I really did not go in depth, I try to keep thinks skin deep when I talk. I sometimes don’t know what to say but made it through. Life has just been challenging and I am trying my best to keep a good face mask on.

Teddy had his last basketball game on Saturday and it was interesting. His team wasn’t the best this year, but he had a good coach and I think he had a good time. This game on Saturday ended kinda weird; there were some scoring issues and the other team was blatantly cheating but we came out with the win. I was glad, the other teams parents were horrible, I am not one to say anything but some of the other moms on our team were about to exchange words. I was glad when it was over.

I signed up the girls for softball this weekend. I sure do hope that it goes okay. Sally was hit and miss for tball last year and this year she has to move up to coach pitch. We shall see how she handles it. I keep saying that soon she will mature and not have so much anxiety. She meets with a counselor every week at school and she comes home and is happy to share what she learns but then the next minute she is screaming and just not being a nice person to be around. We will keep working. I wish I could be a fly on the wall of the sessions, so that I can better help her, maybe I can reach out and ask. Macy will being her first year or kid pitch; she has done pretty well with connection with coach pitch, so I hope she can keep excelling.

It was interesting today; Macy was invited to a birthday party. Its of a girl that goes to her school and is in her gymnastics class. Its not really someone I thought would invite Macy but she did. It was at the gymnastics center this afternoon. We let Macy decide if she wanted to go. I grew up in a home where we didn’t participate in activities on Sunday but my husband did. We left the decision to her and she wanted to go. I have definitely become not so strict and ridged in my thinking and was okay with her decision.

Well, I guess that is it!!! Here is to another week. I hope I can be a little better and try harder. I need to work on having better meals for my family and keeping my house picked up. We had talked about trying to find someone to come once a month to deep clean but were trying to save up some money right now, so I need to figure out how to get everything done. It’s a little overwhelming at times but there is nothing I can do about it, I just have to keep going.

Halfway Through February

Were over halfway through February and I’m over here, just trudging through. I have only gone to the gym once in the last few weeks and I am trying to be mad at myself for not going, but I am kind of at the point where I am just tired all the time. Its not so much of a I’m sleepy tired but a physical exhaustion that I am trying to hide from everyone. I think the thing I need the most is to exercise and I definitely need to eat better. Its interesting because before in my life it was so easy for me to stop eating but I have come a long way in my recovery that I know I can’t do that but I think about it a lot; the ED voices are constant. I wouldn’t classify myself as having binge eating disorder but I have a hard time restraining myself and it just sucks; I feel like I am always hungry and I reach for the foods that are not good for me. I need to figure out how to get back on track.

It was just me at church today and I tried to put on my mask but there were a few people that saw through it. I just said that I was having a hard day and I was okay. I was a little weepy but I was able to keep my emotions at bay. Sometimes I wish I could have a big cry again, that is something that I use to have but has since gone. There is really no one right now that I can really talk to; and my deepest desires and thoughts are written in a different journal, that I will probably burn on my death bed. Its not really for anyone else to read but for me to get my feelings out of my brain and onto paper. Sometimes I am jumbled and it doesn’t make much sense, so that is why I am glad to have it down but not really for other people.

It 's February

Well it was an interesting week. We did not have school on Monday and Tuesday. We went back to school on Wednesday to a new month…its February. While we were out of school, I got to sleep in a little bit and I tried to get my house clean but it got messy every time I picked up. I will talk more about it down below but I tweaked my back and had a hard time Saturday getting it cleaned for Sunday; it was extra messy because of some friends that had come by and the girls played some games. Sam told the kids a few weeks ago that he wanted them to clean up with their friends before they leave but I didn’t know of the mess until after the friend left yesterday. So when I got up this morning it was so bad. We got home from Church and I had to lie down. Sam told the kids that they were going to get it cleaned for me. It was a nice gesture, but it escalated fast. He helped some but really had the kids do most of it, which is fine; but he kept getting angry with them and also kept complaining that we have to much stuff. I agree with him but I have a hard time knowing what to keep and what to get rid of. Which is normally why I try and get the cleaning done so he doesn’t get upset; I need to do better and I need to get ride of some things. Its hard for me to not compare myself to others. If we had another bedroom and some more storage, it would be so nice; but this is what we have been blessed with. There are plenty of people who would love to have what I have and so for that, I am grateful. 

Friday, I was able to play pickleball but I felt my back starting to hurt; I played through but Saturday I woke up to some pain. By the end of the day I was in serious trouble; I took a warm bath and lied on my bed; after a little bit, I tried to stand up but I couldn’t, it hurt too bad, so I tried to sit down but couldn't do that either. I had to be lying down for relief. I took some paid medication and put some heat on it. I finally got the tens unit. I spend a good two hours in bed with it shocking my back. I was able to get up with it on and grab my medication and then was able to sleep. I woke up this morning and was actually able to get up. I still have a little pain and I am walking cautiously but it definitely doesn’t hurt as bad as last night. Now, let me tell you why I think my back hurts. It’s because of my weight gain. I am not a happy camper right now. I gained more weight this week; I do not feel like I am out of control but I do feel like I need to do something. I actually made it to the gym one time this week. I planned on going more but with the snow/cold days off of school I didn’t; Wednesday I went but Thursday I lied back down and Friday, I have to go in early, so I cant go. But I like Fridays because I get to exercise playing pickleball. So anyway, I need the motivation to go and do more things. I usually watch a show while doing the bike or elliptical, but it doesn’t leave me a lot of room to do weightlifting and I think that is key for weight loss. 

So well see what I can do this upcoming week; I might not be able to go tomorrow because I need to take my car to the auto shop. I am so annoying, its one thing after another, and this time my steering hose needs to be replaced. It is really hard to steer my car right now. I cannot believe another thing is wrong. I have not had the best luck with cars and I am feeling a little defeated. I have had this car for over a year now but have had to put so much into it; its so hard. So well see. I am going to try and eat better this week. I just seem to be starving all the time. I eat one good thing but am still hungry. I am trying to stay away from sweets but its like my body craves it. Last year, I cut it and other things out and now that I have introduced those things back into my diet, my body is holding onto everything. I am so sad. I walk around feeling so disgusted with myself, I try not to think about it but it is constantly on my mind. I feel so fat and ugly and its hard to shake. But I am alive and I have an opportunity to keep trying; and that is what I am going to do this upcoming week.