It has felt good to write down some of my feelings this week; this post is going to sound a little like I am a debby downer because it’s been a tough few days but getting it out on paper has helped me process and keep moving on. I do not think that I took any pictures this week; so all you get is my ramblings...but its more for me, so anyway...
I’ll get real for a second, the week started off okay; Sally stayed for the afterschool program three days this week and that helped my afternoon; she comes home sad and its hard to know how to help her. One moment she says she doesn’t have any friends and the next she is talking about her friends; sometimes she is the hard friend, when someone comes to the house, things have to go her way or she kinda freaks out. Her first instinct is to cry and scream and I think it is all my fault. I haven’t been a good mom; I do not have the patience I should, and I get upset a lot. I yell and I feel so bad after I do it, but sometimes after talking to my kids for the 10th time and not getting through to them, I lose it and it sucks; I suck and I feel like they are the way they are because of me and of course my husband too but I wont get into that here.
I just wish that my kids could get along, I do not remember anything about my childhood at the ages that my kids are, I do not remember if I got along with my siblings; maybe I should ask my mom how I was. I have a feeling that I was a hard child but I cant remember. If there is only one child at home, things go okay, but adding the second and third into the mix, it becomes so hard. I am so tired of trying to help them that sometimes I just want to throw in the towel but I know that I can’t and I will keep trying.
My husband started his open gym for baseball this week, so he is gone until late at night; I am back to labeling myself as a married single mom because during the week that is how I feel. This week I tried to keep the house clean but I didn’t do a good job, we are accumulating so much stuff and do not have the room for it. There are days were I wish we had 5 of 6 bedrooms, so the girls each had their own room and then I could have a room for extra stuff; but then I have to remember that I have a lot more than some people. I have a place to call home, a shelter that it ours. It gets me into trouble sometimes when I compare myself to others who have more than me; and I need to be grateful for what I do have.
So, Friday I had a rough day; it probably wasn’t that bad to someone else but for me it was. So weave hit a little trouble in the financial department. My husband works his butt off but a teacher just doesn’t get paid very much and with how much time and energy it takes him coach football and baseball, he does not make much either; my employment is part time and I do not provide much for my family. I know that its how I have always wanted it to be; I grew up wanting to be a stay at home mom, where the husband worked and I didn’t have too; for the almost 14 years of our marriage I have worked for 12, there was a two year period when he had just started teaching that I did not work and it was so nice, I didn’t want to get a job when Sally started school but I knew that I needed to and the little I do make, doesn’t make a dent; we are drowning; well I guess I am downing because I handle the finances and its just not great; and everyone is looking to me to fix it, because my husband is maxed out on what he can do and because I am the one that works part time, I need to find a way to make more money.
My husband told me that I needed to find a full time job; and I don’t know what to do. I really like what I am doing, yes, I do not make a lot but I like being in the background and helping when needed. He wants me to become a teacher and I do not think I can do that. I do not like being the one in control and I do not think I am smart enough to do it. People think I am a nice person, but I am a coward. I wish I could walk away from everything; I wish my husband made more money and I wish my kids were nicer. I have this overwhelming feeling that things are not going to be okay and that is really hard. I walk around feeling that I have this big secret; I am not okay and I don’t know what to do.
My husband doesn’t know what I do after I get home from work; well I use to clean and then an hour later the kids get home and I am running them around to their activities most afternoons; if I was to get a full time job, I do not know how I would get the kids to were they need to be and also how Teddy would get home from school; he just doesn’t understand all that I do to keep our household running, he gets to deal with himself and his teaching and coaching while I deal with everything else.
I have started working for my dad though, so not the hour and a half break I normally got from when I got off work to when I had to pick up Teddy is now filled. I have to do something for my dad that I absolutely hate; I have to make phone calls and try and talk to people that for the most part are not interested in what we are calling about. He has partnered with a company that gives us some seller leads and we call these people and see if they are interested in selling their home or wanting to find out how much their home is worth. We deal with a lot of Hispanics, some that do not speak English, so its been an interesting few weeks. It takes up all the courage I can muster to pick up the phone and make the call; I have to think about a book that I read to Sally called brave. It talks about finding courage to do things that are hard. I talk to Sally all the time about it and now I have to apply it to my own life. I hope I am helping my dad and making a difference because it is so hard.
Something that I did do for me this week was after my first job on Wednesday I went and played pickleball. It is something that I really enjoy; it is a mix between tennis and ping pong and I have picked it up. My friend Courtney and I have played on an off this last year but its hard in the winter. But, our church put in pickleball lines in our gym, so we can go during the winter and play. We have a group that plays on Wednesday and Fridays; I normally cannot make it Wednesday nights but some ladies go Wednesday afternoons and it is nice. Sam and I normally go on Friday’s but he is not available now, so we shall see if I go. I think I will because it’s a way for me to get out and do something and it also gets my heartrate up; I’ve been having such a hard time getting to the gym and this is a way to get some exercise in. So anyway, I hope I can keep doing it.
So this month I have budgeted and was on track but my husband made a big mistake and made a purchase for the baseball team that was suppose to be on the school credit card and it came out of our bank account. It hit me like a ton of bricks that we were not okay, we had less than $50 bucks left in our account and we have a whole week until payday; we tried to get the items he bought cancelled but we were only able to get one; the other we couldn’t cancel or change the payment method. I was so sad!!!
Guess what, I cried…I haven’t cried in over 5 years since coming home from treatment; I have really been devoid of deep feelings and this day I let it out, I ugly cried and I scared my girls who could hear me from the living room. I told them that it wasn’t them but they could feel my pain. I cried for a long while and tried to just rest, but I woke up exhausted, like all my faculties had failed. I was so sad; I kept trying to pray and I think I felt a sense of peace, but I tried to push it away to wallow in my misery; but in reality things will be okay. I just have felt this overwhelming sadness that seems to encompass me all of me. I try to make it appear that I am okay but I am not. I walk around and try to imagine to myself that I am not ugly and we have money, but in reality I feel like the ugliest person in the world and we are having a hard time.
But things can get better, right? I hope so, I need to have a better attitude and I need to stop comparing myself to others, someone is always going to have more money, or be prettier or skinnier but nobody else is me; I am the only one who can change me and it needs to happen or I am not going to make it; I will keep trying and do my best and that is all I can do.
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