End of January

We made it to the last week of January. Pretty crazy, I told myself that I was going to write every Sunday and normally I am pretty good at recapping but this week went pretty fast and there is really nothing much to say. We had parent teacher conferences, and the kids are doing good in school. I wish that they acted at home like they do at school. I am having a hard time being their mom. I love them but they are constantly fighting and are pretty spoiled. We have been waking up early to read and I hope it is helping them. We have not been the best at teaching the gospel in our home, so we are trying. I tried to eat better this week, but I didn’t do that good. I even had some eating disorder thoughts come into my head; its interesting when you are trying to loose weight how strong the thoughts. On one had I would do anything to loose weight but on the other hand I will not allow myself to go back to where I always went. I will keep strong. We do not have school tomorrow because of the weather, so we will get to rest…and I will tackle my house. I keep getting it cleaned and its messy in 10 minutes and my kids do not help me. I have tried to get them to but they whine and complain and I end up doing it. I need to be better at holding my ground, but I like a clean house do I just do it.  I will try!!!

We Made It!!

We made it through another week and this week I do not have much to say. 

We did not have school on Monday; it was a personal development day for the teachers, so Sam had to go into work; but the kids and I stayed home. We still got up early and read but then I went back to bed. I have definitely been in a little rut; I try and be in bed before 10 every night and most of the time I am but I am so tired all the time. Its not like a I need to sleep tired, it’s like a chronic fatigue and fog that I cannot get out of. I know that I need to go to the gym after I drop of Teddy in the mornings but right now I have been coming home and sleeping for the hour; I need to muster up the motivation to go. I think its hard too because I gained over half the weight that I lost last year and it’s disheartening. I was so strict and rigid with my eating and exercise that the moment we went on our trip during the summer and coming home, I just gained and gained. Living in a larger body is so hard; but I guess being anorexic was hard too. I feel like in my life, I have either been anorexic or overweight; I have not stayed in the middle very long; its either one extreme or the other and I am so tired of it. Maybe this week I can make the start to being healthier; go to the gym, eat a balanced diet and watch the sweets. I think I can do it. 

Last week I got a text from a lady in our ward that was putting together a girl’s night; they wanted to go to a movie at 9:30 at night. I wanted to get out of the house, but it was so late. At the last minute I decided to go; we saw the movie about Whitney Houston called I Wanna Dance with Somebody. I left the house at 8:45 and got home at 12:45; it ended up being nice, but I was so tired Friday morning at 6:45 when we got up to read; I think I fell asleep but at least I got up and went out in the living room. 

Saturday Teddy had his first real basketball game and did a great job. His team won. After his game he and Sam got to go to the temple to do baptisms. He was the only young man from our ward to go with three young women. I am glad he got the opportunity to go. I might have a hard time with a few aspects of the church; I do have a belief in God the Father and Jesus Christ. I am grateful for them and that is the basis of what I believe it. I have had prayers answered and felt the spirit in my life. I could write more on the topic, but I won’t right now. 

I was able to get our house clean as well; and it was so nice to wake up today to everything picked up and looking nice. When the alarm rang this morning I was sad, it felt like I had been asleep for an hour or less but we made it. Church was hard today; Sam didn’t wake up to come; he said he wasn’t feeling well. So, it was just the kids and I and they were not that great. I am having such a hard time with my kids. They fight constantly and just get on each other’s nerves; it is a constant battle, and I am at a lost as what to do. I just hope that they can come to tolerate each other and one day be friends, that is my hope. 

Today for dinner we were planning on having Philly Cheesesteaks and I was excited; but after coming home from church, I checked the bread in the cabinet that had looked okay on Friday and today it has some mold on it. I am not the happiest camper and I know Sam is bummed too. We will make it work but its just annoying. 

Well there you have it; this upcoming week we do not have school on Friday, so I am happy for another 4 day work and school week. Yay, I will keep trying do my best and that is all I can do. Thanks for reading along this journey with me 

Tough But Good!!!

It has felt good to write down some of my feelings this week; this post is going to sound a little like I am a debby downer because it’s been a tough few days but getting it out on paper has helped me process and keep moving on. I do not think that I took any pictures this week; so all you get is my ramblings...but its more for me, so anyway...

I’ll get real for a second, the week started off okay; Sally stayed for the afterschool program three days this week and that helped my afternoon; she comes home sad and its hard to know how to help her. One moment she says she doesn’t have any friends and the next she is talking about her friends; sometimes she is the hard friend, when someone comes to the house, things have to go her way or she kinda freaks out. Her first instinct is to cry and scream and I think it is all my fault. I haven’t been a good mom; I do not have the patience I should, and I get upset a lot. I yell and I feel so bad after I do it, but sometimes after talking to my kids for the 10th time and not getting through to them, I lose it and it sucks; I suck and I feel like they are the way they are because of me and of course my husband too but I wont get into that here. 

I just wish that my kids could get along, I do not remember anything about my childhood at the ages that my kids are, I do not remember if I got along with my siblings; maybe I should ask my mom how I was. I have a feeling that I was a hard child but I cant remember. If there is only one child at home, things go okay, but adding the second and third into the mix, it becomes so hard. I am so tired of trying to help them that sometimes I just want to throw in the towel but I know that I can’t and I will keep trying. 

My husband started his open gym for baseball this week, so he is gone until late at night; I am back to labeling myself as a married single mom because during the week that is how I feel. This week I tried to keep the house clean but I didn’t do a good job, we are accumulating so much stuff and do not have the room for it. There are days were I wish we had 5 of 6 bedrooms, so the girls each had their own room and then I could have a room for extra stuff; but then I have to remember that I have a lot more than some people. I have a place to call home, a shelter that it ours. It gets me into trouble sometimes when I compare myself to others who have more than me; and I need to be grateful for what I do have. 

So, Friday I had a rough day; it probably wasn’t that bad to someone else but for me it was. So weave hit a little trouble in the financial department. My husband works his butt off but a teacher just doesn’t get paid very much and with how much time and energy it takes him coach football and baseball, he does not make much either; my employment is part time and I do not provide much for my family. I know that its how I have always wanted it to be; I grew up wanting to be a stay at home mom, where the husband worked and I didn’t have too; for the almost 14 years of our marriage I have worked for 12, there was a two year period when he had just started teaching that I did not work and it was so nice, I didn’t want to get a job when Sally started school but I knew that I needed to and the little I do make, doesn’t make a dent; we are drowning; well I guess I am downing because I handle the finances and its just not great; and everyone is looking to me to fix it, because my husband is maxed out on what he can do and because I am the one that works part time, I need to find a way to make more money. 

My husband told me that I needed to find a full time job; and I don’t know what to do. I really like what I am doing, yes, I do not make a lot but I like being in the background and helping when needed. He wants me to become a teacher and I do not think I can do that. I do not like being the one in control and I do not think I am smart enough to do it. People think I am a nice person, but I am a coward. I wish I could walk away from everything; I wish my husband made more money and I wish my kids were nicer. I have this overwhelming feeling that things are not going to be okay and that is really hard. I walk around feeling that I have this big secret; I am not okay and I don’t know what to do. 

My husband doesn’t know what I do after I get home from work; well I use to clean and then an hour later the kids get home and I am running them around to their activities most afternoons; if I was to get a full time job, I do not know how I would get the kids to were they need to be and also how Teddy would get home from school; he just doesn’t understand all that I do  to keep our household running, he gets to deal with himself and his teaching and coaching while I deal with everything else. 

I have started working for my dad though, so not the hour and a half break I normally got from when I got off work to when I had to pick up Teddy is now filled. I have to do something for my dad that I absolutely hate; I have to make phone calls and try and talk to people that for the most part are not interested in what we are calling about. He has partnered with a company that gives us some seller leads and we call these people and see if they are interested in selling their home or wanting to find out how much their home is worth. We deal with a lot of Hispanics, some that do not speak English, so its been an interesting few weeks. It takes up all the courage I can muster to pick up the phone and make the call; I have to think about a book that I read to Sally called brave. It talks about finding courage to do things that are hard. I talk to Sally all the time about it and now I have to apply it to my own life. I hope I am helping my dad and making a difference because it is so hard. 

Something that I did do for me this week was after my first job on Wednesday I went and played pickleball. It is something that I really enjoy; it is a mix between tennis and ping pong and I have picked it up. My friend Courtney and I have played on an off this last year but its hard in the winter. But, our church put in pickleball lines in our gym, so we can go during the winter and play. We have a group that plays on Wednesday and Fridays; I normally cannot make it Wednesday nights but some ladies go Wednesday afternoons and it is nice. Sam and I normally go on Friday’s but he is not available now, so we shall see if I go. I think I will because it’s a way for me to get out and do something and it also gets my heartrate up; I’ve been having such a hard time getting to the gym and this is a way to get some exercise in. So anyway, I hope I can keep doing it. 

So this month I have budgeted and was on track but my husband made a big mistake and made a purchase for the baseball team that was suppose to be on the school credit card and it came out of our bank account. It hit me like a ton of bricks that we were not okay, we had less than $50 bucks left in our account and we have a whole week until payday; we tried to get the items he bought cancelled but we were only able to get one; the other we couldn’t cancel or change the payment method. I was so sad!!!

Guess what, I cried…I haven’t cried in over 5 years since coming home from treatment; I have really been devoid of deep feelings and this day I let it out, I ugly cried and I scared my girls who could hear me from the living room. I told them that it wasn’t them but they could feel my pain. I cried for a long while and tried to just rest, but I woke up exhausted, like all my faculties had failed. I was so sad; I kept trying to pray and I think I felt a sense of peace, but I tried to push it away to wallow in my misery; but in reality things will be okay. I just have felt this overwhelming sadness that seems to encompass me all of me. I try to make it appear that I am okay but I am not. I walk around and try to imagine to myself that I am not ugly and we have money, but in reality I feel like the ugliest person in the world and we are having a hard time. 

But things can get better, right? I hope so, I need to have a better attitude and I need to stop comparing myself to others, someone is always going to have more money, or be prettier or skinnier but nobody else is me; I am the only one who can change me and it needs to happen or I am not going to make it; I will keep trying and do my best and that is all I can do. 

First Week

Happy New Year...we made it to midnight...2023

Well its now 2023; I’ve told myself that I was going to try and write every week, so Sunday is my appointed time. For the past 4 years we have had church at a later time, with last year being at 1:30. This year we have church at 9, so I want to be up and running by 8 or 8:15 at the latest. Last week was the first week and it went okay. We did stay up until midnight; well the kids did. I was up until 12:45, the 8 am wake up call came early. I had the girls in bed by 9:30 last night and hopefully the boys went to bed at a decent hour. The morning came early again today but we made it.  

Last week I woke up on Sunday morning and felt a little off, my throat wasn’t technically sore, but there was a little tickle. I went to church and taught my class but came home and slept most of the afternoon. I got up and made dinner for the family and then went to bed early. Monday morning came so fast. We are waking up at 6:45 during the week to read from the scriptures; we read and then I laid back down. I told the kids that I wasn’t feeling well. Macy said she wasn’t either and Sally said if Macy’s wasn’t going, then she wasn’t going to go. Teddy said if I wasn’t going to go to work, then he wasn’t going to go to school, which was fine because I really didn’t want to get up and drive him. Having the girls home was so hard; they seemed to be feeling fine but they were off the wall crazy. I was so tired but they kept coming in and asking me things, they were hungry even though I had just fed them; and they were fighting constantly. By noon, Macy said she wished she was at school and I told her that I wished she was there too. Because they were not technically sick, I let Teddy go to his speed and agility class and Macy went to dance. 

A side note to that; remember this summer while on our trip, our car was had some troubles…we put in a new ignition switch in DC and a new started in Tulsa. Well at the beginning of December the car starting acting up again; it made a weird sound when trying to start and sometimes would take a few seconds; well as the month progressed it started to get worse and worse. The last Saturday before school started Teddy had asked if we could take his friend Amya to our local soda shop called Fizz Bizz; we set up a time to go and I went out to the car to get it started and after a couple of minutes and many prayers, it wouldn’t start. I came inside and told Teddy we would have to wait until dad got home; Sam had been doing some baseball lessons all morning and I asked him if we could use his car when he was done. He had already set a time to go with a friend to lunch which I didn’t know about but he was able to move his lunch to later. Also during this time, I was suppose to take Macy to a friends house and we ended up having to walk. It took us a good 15 minutes to get there; but we made it. The family has some knowledge about cars, so he brought me home and helped me with a portable battery charger, just in case it was my battery that wasn’t working. I got it hooked up and then waited. I was able to take Teddy and his friend out and then Sam was able to go out too. When I got back, I tried the car and it started with the help of the charger. I took off the cables and it took a second but started again. When Macy’s friends dropped her off, I gave them back the charger. 

So back to Monday; I had to take Teddy and Macy to their activities. I said a prayer and the car started but I didn’t want to take any changes; so after I dropped off Teddy at 3:30, I came home and left the car running for 20 minutes and then took Macy to her dance at 4:00, then came home and kept the car running again and picked up Teddy at 4:30 and did the same thing ending with Macy at 5:00. After that I came home and stayed for the rest of the night. So Tuesday, I woke up still not feeling great, but I got up and got the kids to school, I was still trying to decide if I was going to call in sick again or just come home and rest and then go in. So as I was driving Teddy to school, I had the thought to take my car into the shop. I had an appointment on the 16th for them to look at my headlight (which in itself is a different story-my luck with cars is just so not great) but I decided to take it in and see if they could help me. I waited for a little while and they came out and said that it looked like it was the starter. I told them that we had put in a new starter back in July in Oklahoma and they asked if we had the receipt. I called my dad since he was the one that was there and he said if there was a receipt, it could be in the car. So I went out to the car and checked and found it in the glove box. The people at the shop were able to get a hold of the place that we had gotten the starter from and try and see if we could get the part and labor under warranty. I was so lucky that they had a loner car at the shop and let me barrow it for the day. They were able to get the part in and will work with them on the warranty. So for now, I got my car back and I didn’t have to pay anything, which is such a miracle for me. I acknowledge the whole day was a miracle and I have so much gratitude in my heart. 

The rest of the week went okay; activities started up again. Teddy had his first basketball practice this week and he had his first game on Saturday. It was more of a jamboree style where they played 3 teams for just a quarter just to gauge ability. It seems like he had a good time. He knows all the players on his team and his coach seems nice and will be good. 

Church was good today. During second hour, we met with the young men and Teddy was ordained to the priesthood; he is now a deacon. It was special and he got to share it with his best friend Jonas. Callan, Karey and Liam were also able to come. After church we headed over to their ward building where Liam was ordained to a teacher. They are growing up so fast. What great young men they are becoming. I hope that this will help Teddy at home with being nicer to his sisters. 

We are ready for a new week...well sorta...I would like to lie in bed all week and do nothing, but such is life...I am grateful for many things and new weeks are one of them. 

I wrote this post on Sunday and thought I had posted it but I guess I didn't push publish...so its being posted on Wednesday!!!