End of September

Well it was homecoming this week so we had spirt week for each of the schools. We participated a little bit.

So this week I got moved again. I am no longer in the 1^st grade immersion classes. I am not in two third grade classes. They dropped my hours again and I am not too happy because I really liked the thought of getting more hours. But whatever. The two teachers that I am working with are completely different but I think it will work out okay. I was able to get a few extra hours this week because I subbed for the afternoon on Monday. I dislike subbing so bad, our 4^th grade classes are insane; there are three teachers and the classes move each day withing the three. One teaches English, one teaches math and one teaches science; I think in theory its cool, but all three classes have some crazy kids. I was glad that I made it the three hours I was in there.

Wednesday afternoon we had a visitor; it was one of the guys my dad grew up with. He served his mission in Idaho a long time ago and he came back to visit. This guy is so sweet. His two youngest kids have some disabilities and he and his wife have done such a good job raising them. He brought his 28 year old son with him who has some kind of syndrome but I forgot what it is, he is such a good kid that loves people, sometimes he forgets his boundaries but I liked the hugs and kisses, it was great to sit and chat for a little bit.

Thursday it rained most of the day and it was so cold; I was super sad because I am so not ready for winter. I think we will have some nicer weather for a little bit longer but I can feel it changing and I am not having it. One thing was nice was that I had inside recess duty, the kids do not go out in the rain, they go out in the snow but not the rain. Sam had a game Thursday evening and the rain stopped for the game and then picked back up.

Friday was our homecoming parade and they almost cancelled it but the weather made a turn for the good and it turned out nice. Teddy and Macy were in the parade again this year and Sally and I got to sit and watch. The morning was rainy and cold and for the first 10 minutes of the parade it was a light drizzle but then it stopped and the sun came out and it was much needed.

Friday night we had our homecoming game and finally our team performed how we should, we won 51-3, we played a team that was not that great, but we really needed a boost and I think it will carry us into the remainder of the season. We bundled up and brought a ton of blankets and it was okay. I was cold, but we made it. We had a good team dinner for the coaches and family after and it turned out good. I made some pumpkin squares and admit that I ate a few of them. I know that I should not have but it was good. I haven’t had much of an appetite since my surgery and I am starting to think that things sound good. I hope that the sugar tooth that I sorta got will go away. I really need to do balanced eating and I need to go to the gym. This week I went with my parents on Monday but then the rest of the week I slept in, I need to get my butt out of bed and just go. Monday and Wednesdays I play pickleball, so I normally just do that, but I think I should still go and get in some more movement. Blah

Saturday morning came bring and early, but I was able to sleep in till 8:15. Sally had a double header today and Macy played at the same time as her second game. Sally had to play the whole second game and I am proud of her. Friday night after getting home from the game, she stepped on an earing and it went into her heel and she was complaining about it hurting but she did it. Her team did not do too well, we are really bad but she is coming out of her shell and trying more. Today she was able to get a few flags pulled. Macy’s team is great and they won again. We were able to make it over to Teddy’s game and he won too. He played his friend from Rexburg and then he came over and played for a little bit. I am glad that are still friends, I hope it lasts.

Teddy really wanted a birthday party but I told him we really could not do a big party at a place. He wanted to go to gravity factory or the gymnastics place in town but we are trying to keep our expenses down, so I told him he could pick some friends and do something at our house. Last weekend a kid from his team invited all the players to his birthday party at their house and we did that a couple of years ago and it was insane. So he told me a few friends and then the list kept getting bigger and bigger, since we were just doing it at our house, I thought it would be okay to have a few more than what I said. So I texted 15 parents and they all said yes. There was one kid whose mom texted me on Saturday and said Teddy had mentioned it to their son, so in all we had 16 boys, and then one of the boys little sister came to play with the girls.

They first started in the back yard playing wiffle ball, now I am grateful that we have a backyard after apartment living for so long, but our backyard is not that big. But they seemed to do good. We then came in for some cake and ice cream. I made a chocolate sheet cake and just had some vanilla ice cream. A lot of the bots just wanted ice cream, so we had a ton of cake left over and I had some of it. It actually tasted good but did not make me feel good. But whatever. After that Teddy opened presents and then headed over to the football field to play some dark games. They were loud and crazy but we made it.

Sunday Teddy and Macy said they weren’t feeling good, so it was just Sam, Sally and I at church. She did pretty good. She had wanted to stay home too but she had the talk in primary today. We had written it out the night before and I really wanted her to try and do it on her own, but she freaked out and had me come up with her. She did read it all by herself and I was proud of her. She still had a hard time sitting with her class and going to class and I really don’t know how to help her. I think the best thing would be for me to not be in there and sometimes I wish I was done but then there is really nowhere else I would actually rather be so well see.

Sunday after church I laid down again and fell asleep; it wasn’t as restful as I wanted but I tried. When I got up I was more tired but I had told my sister in law I would bring her some of Teddy’s old legos that we were going to get rid of. I also brought my license plate holder that I have had forever and my brother in law put it on my car. My license plate has been inside my car on the dash, and now its where it should be. I sat and talked for a little bit and then came home.

Sam had a meeting in the evening, so we had an early dinner. He also had a lot of school stuff to do on Sunday, so he had the computer all day; and Monday was a busy day that I didn’t get a chance to finish up my post. So here we are on Tuesday and I am finishing it up.

Monday morning I woke up and right away got my work out clothes on and when the girls left, I headed to the gym. I just rode the bike and did some upper body movement, but it felt good. I hate to say that it did not feel nearly as good as sleeping for an extra hour and a half, but I know I need to keep doing it. Monday evening, Teddy and I went to play pickleball and it was great. I burned a lot of calories with all I did and it did feel good.

I have an app on my phone called timehop; it reminds me what I did in previous years on a certain date. My app today reminded me that it was eight years ago that we packed up our stuff in Utah and moved to Idaho. From when we decided to move and when we did was not that long. We didn’t even go to Idaho to look at potential apartments, we just saw a picture and signed a contract. Looking back it was pretty crazy and super fast but it was a good place for us.

Tuesday morning, I did the same thing. I got my workout clothes on. I almost said screw it and thought about going back to bed, but I didn’t. I went to the gym and got in some movement. I am not doing a lot right now, but at least I am doing something. And I know that I need to keep getting in the movement and trying my best to eat food and be good. I dislike food and eating very much and sometimes it just sucks, but I will keep trying.

Teddy's Birthday

Well the last week got away from me. So short update this will be…I am finally feeling better, holy cow…it was a rough few weeks.

Tuesday I was able to get Sally an intake appointment at a health center for some psychological testing. She has been acting okay leaving for school and coming home okay, but once home and she seems me, its just crazy how she acts. Well anyway, we got to the appointment a little early and had to wait a while, so she was a little antsy. She was playing with some blocks in the waiting room and then coming over to hang on me and then lie on the floor for a second and then back to playing. We finally got in to see the doctor and it was interesting. It was really just him asking me questions but she was all over the place, really sassy and not happy and I was glad that she was acting this way, because sometimes she acts good in front of other people and is just horrible for me. So anyway, he suggested that she have some additional testing and we are not just in a waiting game for insurance. Because we put the kids on my husbands insurance through work, we lost the state funding, that I think we would have qualified for one more year, and the insurance we have now, it not great. So we shall see.

Saturday was an early morning, Sally had a game at 8 am, so we left our house at 7:40. Macy’s game was at 10 and my sister came down from Rexburg to watch her game while I went up to Rexburg to watch Teddy’s game. My parents were in town, so they came to the game. They did good. 

After the games we came back to my house and finished up cleaning because my parents were coming to stay. I had a friend come to the games and then help me with my cleaning, I was very grateful. My parents got to our house around 4 and then we went out to eat to celebrate Teddy’s birthday. He chose to go to Chuck-A-Rama and it ended up being pretty good. I haven’t had that big of a meal in a while, so I was stuffed. I was proud of myself for not having any desserts. After dinner, the boys headed home and the girls went to a few stores.

Sunday was Teddy’s 12^th birthday. I cannot believe that my first born is 12; he wasn’t too happy that his birthday fell on a Sunday but it turned out to be a nice day. We had church in the morning, I taught today, I sorta wanted my parents to come into my class, but my mom went with Sally and my dad stayed in the primary room when Macy came for singing time. When we got home, Sam made a brunch for everyone. I ate some sausage, some eggs and a pancake and boy was I stuffed. Its just been hard to figure out what to eat after my mouth surgery; everything makes me full even if I do not eat a lot. But I am trying hard to figure out what is the best thing for me to do.

I was able to take a nap after we ate. I was lying on the couch watching Macy and my mom play a card game and my mom told me to go lie on the bed, I was so grateful. I am just so tired all the time. My mom played with the girls and then made some brownies and then created a little treasure hunt for Teddy. We had an early dinner because our ward had our last walk about for the season. My sister came down for dinner and the evening. There were 5 families that hosted this month because we skipped last month. Sally did not want to walk, so I drove her to the first two places and Macy rode her bike and my mom and sister walked. After the second house, we walked to the third and Sally rode Macy’s bike and then decided to walk with another family. So I left my car and we walked to the last two and then I walked back and got the car. Overall, its just interesting how much Sally influences everything. She is so hot and cold and I hope that this testing, if we can get it approved can help her.

We came home and talked to my in-laws and then we had brownies and ice cream. We then finished the night with the treasure hunt and we all went around and said something we liked about Teddy. I think he felt loved. The girls did so much work to make him feel special and I hope he can remember that.

This morning, I had to be at the school at 7:30 for our staff picture and I was glad my parents were here to help get the girls out the door. It is our homecoming week, so the girls had PJ and crazy hair day. My mom was able to help them get their hair looking cute and crazy. I came home after the picture and my parents and I went to the gym. It was nice to go. I need to keep it up. Teddy and I are signed up for a pickleball league that starts today for 6 weeks. I am excited to play. So anyway, that is it!!!

September-First Week

So Monday was Labor Day and we didn’t have school or work. We had planned on having Callan and Karey over for lunch, but Macy work up with a sore throat so we cancelled. I tried to take Macy to the doctor, but they were closed too. I still had some antibiotics from the last time she had strep, so I gave it to her again. I do not remember much else that we did, Sam and Teddy still had football practice and so they were gone in the evening. We had grilled up burgers for lunch, and I didn’t have a dinner plan, so I made some soup for the boys and they liked it, so that was good.

I also played pickleball on Monday afternoon with some people from church and it was just what I needed. I wish I could play everyday, but its getting harder to work around everyone’s schedules. I really want to keep trying to find time because it helps me a lot.  

Tuesday was the first day that our kindergarten kids were at school the whole day. They were a little crazy. I had lunch duty for the first time with them and it was like herding cats. When the bell rang, they did not want to go in. I was yelling rather loudly that the bell had run and we needed to go to the doors. They all went to the wrong doors even though they had just had a training with their teachers where they were suppose to go, needless to say, it was kind of hard and the other duty ladies from the big playground all came over to help me. But we made it. I have a 10 minute break between kindergarten and first grade and its been nice outside to I just wait out there. It is going to be brutal in the winter when I come inside to get warm and then have to go back out again. Blah.

Anyway, I left work a little early to head to me therapy appointment. It was an interesting day. I really decided to go to counseling to help me with my eating disorder thoughts and some anxiety and depression symptoms. The intake sessions went okay and even two weeks ago were good, but today was interesting. She is wanting me to meet with a dietitian for the ED stuff and she wans to help me with some deep seeded fears and things I have buried inside. We worked on breathing and what to do when I have negative thoughts, which is all the time. She gave me a chapter in a book to read on unmet needs and how we need to work through some things. I left feeling a little defeated but its okay.

Wednesday work was okay and I left a little early to play pickleball; it was nice again but we had our normally three players, and I normally ask my friend from Idaho Falls to play but she had to work. So we had a new player that had never played before; she did okay, but it wasn’t as fast paced as usual. I still got my heart rate up and had a good time. Wednesday evening, the girls had their first singing and dance class, and they now go at the same time. It is so nice to only have to drive one time out to the lady’s house. They seemed to have a nice time. I hope they can keep being nice to each other and it will work out. This is Macy’s last year!

Thursday Macy had a field trip to Mesa Falls in Island Park. She was excited to ride a bus with her friends. Her two best friends go put in a different group than her, so she was a little sad and she said the bus ride was super long, but I think overall she had a good time. I have never had a kid have a field trip the second week of school, so that was cool!

Thursday at work they called me into the office; I never like when they do that. They told me that I needed to take an hour of my day and go to a third grade class to help out. I told them that I was already stretched in doing my first grade duties and also my outside time. The secretary then told me that I could have 19 hours instead of 16; to be honest I had a hard enough time doing 16 but I know that I need to do the 19. My first grade teacher was not too happy because they wanting me to do third grade in the morning. I think I am going to have to work out a schedule to do one day early for first and one day early for third. Well see what happens.

Thursday afternoon they posted on our ward page that their was a relief society party that evening. I had missed the announcement earlier, so I didn’t know if I was going to go or not. I really didn’t want to but I like to be supportive and we were asked to bring a side or dessert to share. I didn’t have anything to bring and told myself I didn’t want to go to the store either, but I made a last minute decision to go. They girls were at their activity and I hurried to the store and decided on some pumpkin chocolate chip bread. I brought it home and cut it up and put in on a tray to make it appear like I hadn’t just bought it.

It turned out to be a nice little gathering, I was glad that I went because there were not that many people there. I know the ladies put a lot of effort into it. I remember the one time I was the activity person in my ward when I lived in Provo with my sister and it was horrible. My sister had had the calling before me and I watched her put so many hours into it and not many people came. I even cried when the gentleman called me to the position. I wasn’t very good and was glad when it was over. So anyway, they had some chicken and sides with a few desserts and then we all sat around and talked and some people shared some ancestor experiences.  

I was supposed to have Friday’s off, but now I am going to go in to meet my hours. So we shall see. Next week I am really planning on going to the gym in the mornings, I just must suck it up and do it. I have a cousin that is in town dropping off her daughter at BYU-Idaho and she texted and asked if we wanted to meet up sometime. I told her we could come to Rexburg or they were more than welcome to come to Rigby. So, when I got home, I started cleaning because I wasn’t sure if they were going to come to our house. It didn’t end up working out to meet, so we decided to try for Saturday.

I was glad for the kick in the pants to work on getting my living room and kitchen clean. As well as the girls room. Their laundry was overflowing and I think half the stuff in there was clean. But I did two loads of their clothes and got them put away. I got the kitchen floor cleaned up and the living room okay. I still have a lot of work to do. My mom is going to be here in two weeks and I have to have it looking better. I wish we had a little bit more room in our house for some stuff, but we have a lot more than some people and I must look at the good.

Saturday morning we got up and had some football games. Well first Sally had pictures and then their games were an hour later. All three kids were playing at the same time today. I sat in proximity to all three, I could see the score board for Teddy’s game on the high school field and then I went back and forth between the girls. I kept going over to Macy’s when she wasn’t in, but a mom got her on video getting an interception and a touchdown. I was proud of her. Sally also played more this week and didn’t cry. I was able to make it to the last quarter of Teddy’s game; they won 48-6 and Teddy scored three times, maybe 4.

After the games, we came home and Teddy and I went to the fields by our house to watch another football game. Then the girls and I went up to Rexburg to meet up with my cousin. We met at sodavine; my girls got a pretzel and a drink and I got a lemonade. I was nice to catch up. We then called my sister who has been staying at my brothers house. She was home alone with the baby, so we stopped by for a little bit.

We didn’t do much after we got home. Teddy stayed at a friends house until 9:30 at night, he wanted to stay longer but I was ready to stay home and did not want to go later to get him. I took a bath and went to bed.

Sunday night I got up to go to the bathroom 4 times, it was not pleasant. This whole week I have felt a little off. So waking up Sunday morning was hard. I contemplated just keep sleeping but we got up anyway and one of the teachers in my class texted that she wasn’t feeling good either, so I am glad I sucked it up and went. Church was okay

When we got home, I laid down for a couple of hours; I don’t know if I ever went really out with the kids come in and out, but I tried. I was being super lazy but I wasn’t really feeling great. My husband had his computer most of the afternoon, so I didn’t post Sunday.

Its now Monday and Sunday night was even worse than Saturday night. I went to bed by 9:30 but I didn’t necessarily fall asleep. At 12:00 I started to get a tummy ach and it worked its way from my stomach to my throat and at 12:30, I ran to the bathroom and threw up. It was unpleasant and made me feel so yucky. Its crazy to think that with my eating disorder, I have thrown up my whole life and its never been too bad. I can count on one hand the times I have gotten sick and thrown up. I don’t know, it just was horrible. So I went back to lie down and I just laid there for hours. Then would have to get up to go to the bathroom and it just went on all night.

When morning came, I was not a happy person. I got my girls out the door and went back to bed. I really wanted to start going to the gym but I couldn’t do it. I tried to sleep for another hour and wish I could have called in sick for work, but I went in. I am having to spend an hour a day in a third grade class each day and its not my favorite, and my first grade teacher is not too happy, I do what they ask me to do. It worked out okay but I felt miserable all day. I got a really bad headache as I was outside watching the kids for recess and it only grew. By the time I left, my head hurt so bad and my nose was starting to run and was all stuffy.

When I got home I took some ibuprofen and wanted to lay down but I knew I needed to do some work for my dad. So I was able to get in the calls that I needed to make and then was going to lie down but then my husband called and asked if I could bring something to him, I totally didn’t want to but I did. He told me that I didn’t have to pick up Teddy from school today, so that was nice.

At 3;30, Sally had her first dance class of the season. She was nervous but we talked about being brave and finding our courage and not crying. She has a new outfit and tights, and I didn’t tell her but she is using Macy’s shoes. We got there a little early and filled out a waiver and she got all ready and gave me too many hugs but I left. Last time she tried dance, it just didn’t work out. She cried and wouldn’t let me leave and so I was proud of her for keeping her cool. I went home and laid down for the hour she was gone and then went to grab her. She told me she almost cried a few times but she didn’t. I let her get a treat from the gas station on the way home. I hope that she keeps it up.

So anyway, I now have to cook dinner and I really don’t want to. My head still hurts, and my sinus pressure is so strong. I took some medicine and will take some more before I go to bed. Wish me luck!!!

Its September

Monday was our first day of school. I got the girls down by 9 last night and I was able to get to bed by 10. Last year sometimes we woke up at 6:45 and read from the scriptures but I do not think that is going to happen anymore. My husband has not been sleeping great and so well see what happens. I didn’t like it last year either for only the reason that I had to wake up earlier than I wanted to, but I did like that we read. So even if we woke up at 6:45, sometimes I would close my eyes on the couch after. My alarm rang at 7:30 and we had 20 minutes to get ready to be able to leave by 7:50. The doors at the school opened at 8:00 and school started at 8:20. Well this year they moved up the start time for school to 8:00. So I set my alarm for 7:15 and the girls leave at 7:40. Teddy rides in with Sam and they have been leaving around 7:45. It makes me happy that I do not have to take Teddy. I plan on going to the gym once my mouth is feeling better.

So Monday, I went into work at 8:00 because I had to leave at 10 for the funeral. I  got a call from the secretary at the school on Friday night that they were not going to have me be in kindergarten after all. They said that first grade qualified for three aids, so I was going to move over and be with two other ladies. So anyway, I was a little sad, but whatever. My teacher is different than what I am use to but it will be okay.

I left a little after 10 and headed to Rexburg. I met up with my family and we just hung out until 11 when the service started. It ended up being really sweet. My sister in law is the youngest of 9; she and all of her siblings spoke and gave tribute. They went youngest to oldest. My sister in law wanted to go first. She did a great job. I know she misses her dad tremendously but she is staying strong. When I saw my mom I told her that my mouth was still hurting and she asked me if I wanted a mint, I was taken back but said I guess my mouth smells and she said yes. That made me so embarrassed because I had been with people for the last few days and what if they thought I smelled, ugh. I have been trying to brush where I can and use mouthwash, but doesn’t look like its been helping. So anyway, I felt dumb, but whatever.

After the memorial service I headed home with the intent to grab the girls and go back up for the luncheon but when Macy got home, she said that Sally went to a friends house and her back was hurting and wanted to see if I could take her to the doctor. I had wanted to go back up, but decided to stay back. I cant really eat the food anyway, my mouth is still hurting and I am still doing soft foods. Actually, I have really just been doing protein shakes and some Greek yogurt. My eating disorder thoughts are super strong, so I hope that after I can start eating better, I will be able to do it.

I took Macy to the doctor and they did an x-ray of her spine to make sure nothing was wrong. It came back good, so they said its probably just a strain. Its hard to know how bad it is. I have never been good with pain and my kids. I tell them to suck it up, but would feel bad if something was really wrong. So well see. They told me to up the ibuprofen and rest. She was sad when I told her no football this week. We do not have games this Saturday because of the holiday, so that is helpful. Sam texted while I was at the doctors and said that Teddy wanted to stay for his practice and asked if I could drop off Teddy’s things later. I said okay. Then Teddy called and said he actually wanted to come home, so after we left, I went and picked him up. We had a couple of hours before his practice so I came home and tried to clean.

When I left the funeral, I asked my parents if there was a time Macy could see them. She was sad that I wouldn’t let her go to the funeral. When my mom wasn’t around, my dad said that they might even stay at out house because of so many people up at my brothers house, but I took it with a grain of salt. When my mom came out, she said they would try and make it down to our house later that day. They ended up coming in the early evening but didn’t stay that long, just said hi. There was enough time for my dad to help me fix a few things in my house. There is a cabinet in the kitchen that he fixed the last time he was here, but Sally hung on it and it bent. He was able to get it fixed and I was grateful. There was also a rod in the bathroom that Sally had broken too. He tried to fix it but wasn’t able to, my bed was also broken and he tried but wasn’t able to fix it either. He said if he had enough time on Tuesday he would get some items at the hardware store and come by. My mom didn’t seem to think he would have time but he did.

Tuesday the kids got out on time and I laid back down. At 9:15 my dad knocked on my door. He was able to get the stuff needed, and his neat little brain made up a special support for my bed that worked. I am grateful that he took the time to come and help me. I had planned on going to work at 9:45 but wasn’t able to get there until 10. So in the mornings, there is a lady that is in the Chinese class and I am in the English class. There is another lady that comes in at 10:45 in the English class as well. I go outside for duty from 11:15-11:35 and then again from 11:45-12:05. I am so not going to like that in the winter, having to come in for 10 minutes and go back out again. This week the kindergarten kids are not here all day, they are just doing some testing so I only have to go out for the later time but I will next week. It is also only me watching all the kids. We have a small playground for the K and 1^st graders and a bigger playground for the 2^nd-5^th grade. The other area has 3 duty’s watching them and I know it’s a bigger area, but it was still a lot of kids and not a lot of room. So well see what happens. Duty is probably the thing I least like about working at the school.

Anyway, when I got back in from watching the kids, the lady that was in the Chinese had left for the day and the other lady stayed in English, so I had to go into the Chinese class. I did not love it, but whatever. The normal first grade teacher got a concussion, so she has not been there. The sub from Monday was a regular stub but the sub for Tuesday was a native Chinese speaker, so she taught the kids in Chinese and I was somewhat lost. It is going to be so boring. I had to go into the Chinese class two years ago in second grade it was not cool, so I am grinning and bearing it. I left a little after two and made it home with a few minutes to spare before the girls got home. We just hung out for a little bit and then I went and picked up Teddy. It was a mess, there were so many people. I think I might wait until 4 each day, but well see.

Tuesday evening the girls had football; I took Sally to practice. Macy helped her walk up and then I took Macy over to hers. She did not dress down and just helped out the coach. I went back and waited for Sally and she came back to the car after and was not crying, so I call that a win. When we were driving back to pick up Macy it started to storm. We made it just in time before it started raining. We made it home and just was home the rest of the night.

Wednesday I got the kids off and laid back down again. My mouth is finally starting to feel better but still hurts. I know that I cant go to the gym yet, so I am just resting. I think I am a little weak from not really having a meal in the last week. My body is telling me that I am hungry but my mouth is telling me not to have anything and maybe my mind to so. I am going to have my work cut out for me the next little while to start incorporating solid foods again. It is going to suck. But I can do it.

I got to work a little before 10 again and it was pretty much the same as yesterday. I tried to work with a little boy who was having a hard time. I would make a little progress and then back tract and then move forward again. One of the classes has a good deal of harder kids and that is the group that I have been with. Today I finally started to get some of the names down, yay. But I do not know any of the other group, so next week will be learning again. Our Chinese teacher was back to day but was not 100%, she had me try and help her out with some Chinese stuff and it was interesting. So we shall see.

I left work a little after 2 and came home and wrote a note to the girls that I was heading to my periodontist appointment and then left for Idaho Falls. I got there with a lot of time to spare, so I stayed in the car for a little bit and watched a show and then went in 10 minutes early. They got me right in and the doctor came within another two minutes and told me everything was looking good and I could start brushing and flossing my whole teeth and to start eating what I feel comfortable doing. My left roof of my mouth is still very tender but ill see what I can do. I was in and out in under 10 minutes, so I left about the time my appointment was suppose to start, ha. I told Teddy I wasn’t going to be to the school until 4 to grab him but I was actually early. It still took us a booty long time to get out, but we made it home.

I laid down again but wasn’t able to go out. Sally had two friends over that were being so loud. They also kept asking for food and that is one of my biggest pet peeves. We are barely making it and I have gotten food for the kids breakfasts and lunches and all the friends want when they come is to eat. I hate saying no, but I finally had to. I wish I could tell the parents to either send their kid over after they have an after school snack or give me a box of something to give to all the kids. I know that I wont say anything to anyway, but it would be nice. I myself wish we had money, it would alleviate so much stress from my life, but this is my lot and I will lay in it and do all in my power to figure out how to live and love and do what I am suppose to do. Teddy had practice early today, so I took him and my husband is bringing him home. I am going to try and get the living room clean. I can do it!!!

Thursday work was fine, I finally have the red group names pretty much down. I have not been in the blue class, so I have no freakin clue who is in there. So anyway, nothing much happened the rest of the day. Sally didn’t want to get dressed for practice but she started to and I got a text that they cancelled practice. Thank goodness…Macy went to her practice just to watch today again. The freshman had a football game but it wasn’t home, so we didn’t go. They ended up winning but they played a not good team, so they are 1-1 now. Well see how the season turns out.

Fridays I normally do not go to work but today I went to help out at the assembly and because I had some extra hours to make up because I left early on Monday. It was cool; I like that they do it. So I came home and tried to do a little work for my dad but my internet was not working so then I had every intention to start cleaning but I laid down and read a chapter in my book and then tried to take a nap until the girls got home. I told them no friends today; I am really sick of the same friends over. Macy came home and said Sally went to the friend’s house instead of coming home. I knew that wasn’t going to be good, because she went to this friends house during the week and they came to our house within 10 minutes.

So I made Macy some lunch and sat down at the computer again and it was working, but within 10 minutes Sally and her friend were back. I reminded her that we had said no friends, but the friend asked if they could play in the backyard. I said fine. Why am I such a softie, I absolutely hate it. They played out there while I worked. They asked for some food and I told them they could today, but next week they couldn’t come each day and ask for food. I was able to get my work done and went to lay back down again. I am in such a funk and it sucks; no one know behind my closed doors that I am having a hard time. I feel like I am drowning and nobody can help me. My counselor last week told me she didn’t know if she could help me if I wasn’t going to put in work. I know that I can do it, but its just hard. I have so many things toppled on top of each other and she is the only one I can share with. So I hope I can keep doing it. She is out of town this week and then I am going to see her every other week and we’ll see what happens.

I got my bill from the periodontist today and it was almost $2000 bucks. I cannot believe that a short 30 minute procedure cost 980 and they did it on the front and the side that that number doubled. I don’t know yet if any was covered by insurance, so I am keeping my fingers crossed that maybe they hadn’t gotten the claim submitted and it wont be that much. I have so many expenses right now that its just hard. Anyway, not to be a bore like I always am. I will keep trying.

Friday night we headed to the football game. Macy and a few of her friends are on the Hope Squad this year again, and they got into the game free and helped sell some raffle tickets. One of her friends families came as well; they sad somewhere else though. I felt bad but I really just wanted to sit in our seats and watch the game. Sally laid on the floor of the bleachers and watched my phone and did fine. I was glad that Macy was distracted and with her friends. When they are both by me, it turns out bad. Anyway, we scored first and then the other team demolished us. We lost 50-7; we are doing so badly. The coaches dinner turned out good and we got home by 11:30 and in bed by midnight.

Saturday came bright and early but we did not have any games today because of the holiday weekend. I tried to sleep in but the kids were up early and asking for things. One of Macy’s friend called early but I didn’t answer. She kept calling so I finally picked up. She asked if Macy wanted to go to the fair with them. She said she did, so I brought her down to Idaho Falls. She has some money in her bank account, so she brought her wallet with her and I told her to not spend too much. She did good.

I fell asleep on the couch when I got home and woke up when Sally wanted lunch. Sam and Teddy left around 2:45 to drive down to Utah for the BYU football game. After they left, I did some laundry and tried to clean the downstairs. The boys always tell me that they help me out but I am the one who ends up cleaning up their messes. I wish I had help, but for some reason my spouse thinks he helps me when really he doesn’t. I don’t let it bother me too bad, I just do it and suck it up.

In the afternoon, I had a friend invite me to the Chukars game. They are an independent baseball team that plays in Idaho Falls. I told her I had to watch the girls and she invited them too. I called Macy and her friend asked if she could come. I tried to talk to Macy and see what she wanted, but her friend was listening in. I first told her that it was just going to be us, but then Sally got invited to go to a friends house for some s’mores and to play. So she stayed home and I brought Macy and her friend. On the way home, Macy said she had just wanted it to be us but felt like she couldn’t say that with the friend listening. O well, it worked out. We stayed until the 7^th inning but left because it was getting too late. Sally was home when we got home, she had done well just watching her ipad and I was surprised that she hadn’t called me.

Sunday morning, I did not want to get up. Macy woke up relatively early but Sally slept in. Sam and Teddy didn’t get home until like 4 am so they were sleeping. Macy and I got ready for church and we were going to leave if Sally didn’t wake up, but she did and she said that she wanted to go. I was surprised because she normally wants to stay home. Well, I wish that she would have stayed home because she had a really hard time. And Macy wasn’t any better; at one point I just looked at them and got tears in my eyes. I am at a lost at what to do. They are so mean to each other and they don’t give a crap about what I say. All they want to do is watch their iPads, so I took them away. They threw a mini tantrum right there in church and it was just horrible. Sally hung on my during music time but went to class, so that was good. Anyway, we made it and came home and the girls were super sad because I took away their stuff. I made them some lunch and then went and laid down.

All I want to do right now is sleep; I do not have any desire to do anything. I am so tired all the time and I just feel like a complete failure. I laid there for a while but never really went out; the girls kept telling me they were bored and didn’t know what to do. Macy wanted to play a card game but Sally did not and I should have told her that I would play but I didn’t. I told them if they cleaned their room, maybe they could earn their iPads back. They did and so I let them. I do not know how to change. They have had screens since they were little. When I worked from home, I had to let them watch TV and now, they just are addicted. And I know that it is my fault, but there are times when I just need to get things done or rest and its just easier for them to watch a show. So anyway, Sam and Teddy got up by midafternoon.

I feel bad because I did not do grocery shopping yesterday. From the 1-20^th of the month, we are always cutting it close to make it to payday and this month is no different. I wish we didn’t have to worry about money and had means to be able to be stable but were not and I am just scared sick. I think it adds to my depression. Now I have to pull dinner out of thin air and I know they will be disappointed in me because its not going to be good. I hate meals and everything about them but its something that we need to sustain life and it makes me sad that I suck at it. I know well figure something out, but I just don’t know.

So I ended up making some sausage in a biscuit and some other random things. It turned out okay and I was grateful. This afternoon after I got out of bed, I sat on the couch and just sat with the suck. I read through some emails and read some talks and just contemplated a lot. I have so much fear and its killing me. I do not know how we are going to make it. I do not know how to help my kids. I did come to the conclusion that I need to get over myself and just do it. I can be a better mom to my kids and I can do better for myself. I sometimes get stuck playing the victim and I am not. I have made choices that have brought me here and somehow I have to get to work.

I took a bath and just let the hot water wash over me and I got out and was determined to be better. The kids are in bed and I am going to bed too. Tomorrow we do not have school and no work for me, I am so happy. Its only a week into school and I am already done; its going to be a long year. But I do not have any option other than to wake up and get shit done and have a better attitude. I need to eat food and be okay with who I am. Thank You