Its the Middle of April

It’s the middle of April and holy cow, what a time it has been. Not sure what to even write. Last time I wrote we had just gotten back from Boise and now its been three weeks; the most important not great thing that happened is with my computer. So, when I started working for my dad, he bought me a computer. It was really nice of him and I have been working for him each day. It is not something that I like to do, but I feel like I have to pull my weight and try and make a little more money than I do. I really like working in the school district and my hours and everything but I do not make a lot of money. My husband things I should try and find something full time, but he doesn’t know what I do after work for the kids. I would have to figure out how to get Teddy from school, as well as the kids to their various activities. Lucky my dad is helping and I am grateful. So anyway, I usually sit at the kitchen table when working. I usually move my computer to the living room during meals and then bring it back. So one day, I took my morning vitamin drops and then put them on my computer, not sure why I did that but it didn’t even cross my mind. Well I got home from work to find the bottle completely empty, it had leaked into my computer and it wouldn’t start. I was super bummed but felt like it was going to be okay and it would need to air out and it would start. So, it didn’t and I finally took it to a computer repair store and it actually caught on fire when they tried to start it. So now, I am trying to use my husbands computer whenever he is not using it. I am just sad. The repair place said they I could try and get an encryption code from Microsoft and see if I could get my information off the computer. I really really really need to do that. I have a document on the computer that is about 90 pages and I need it. I would be devastated if I didn’t get it back. I have tried to have faith and pray hard but I feel like it hasn’t been helping. Its just one thing after another; it feels like God is punishing me and that is hard, because deep down, I do not believe that, but yet, its just hard.

So, Thursday the 6^th, I went into work super depressed; I still was unsure about the status of my computer and everything with my car had got me down. I told her that I didn’t know how much more I could take. I started grading papers and doing my thing, when the phone in the class started to ring. It was the office telling me that Teddy got hurt on the playground at recess and they might have to call an ambulance. I hurried outside and he was lying on the ground with a teacher and the school nurse trying to wake him up. He had hit the shoulder of a kid while playing basketball and then fell and hit the ground. It had knocked him out and he was not responding; I kneeled by him and tried to talk to him but nothing. The nurse was on the phone and called the EMT service. Our town doesn’t have transportation services, so we had to call Idaho Falls. We do have some volunteer EMT’s and a fire department; so we called them too. Within 5 minutes, 3 cops had come, and then some Rigby volunteers. They had a life pack and hooked Teddy up; his vitals looked good, so I felt okay, but he was still unresponsive. It took a good 30 minutes for the ambulance to get there and this whole time, he just fluttered his eyes, maybe twice; he might have grunted once or twice but I don’t remember, its all a blur. 

So because he was still basically unresponsive, the ambulance had lights on to the hospital. We got there and within 30 minutes, they had him to CT and the scan came back normal. He didn’t have a brain bleed and they cleared his spine, so they were able to take off the neck brace and it was just a waiting game. It took him another hour or longer to fully come around; everyone around us were baffled that his vitals were good but it took him so long to become responsive. When he first opened his eyes, he started crying because he didn’t know where he was. He doesn’t remember anything about the accident. 

My friend Courtney came to the hospital and was very sweet with Teddy, when she came in, he was still kinda in and out and she talked to him and he gave her a smile. It was sweet. So, after another two hours, we were able to leave. We stopped at froyo and then headed home; we got home just in time for the girls to get home.

 Overall, it was just an interesting day. I was still sad about my car and my computer, but those things are replaceable, a human life is not. I am grateful for all the help we had that day; and grateful for Teddy’s strength to wake up and go on.

We went back to work and school the following Monday and it was interesting. I got a text while we were walking out the door from the secretary at the school asking if I could sub for a couple hours in the morning for a 5^th grade class, while the original sub had a doctor’s appointment. I said yes and went back inside and had to rush and get clothes on. So my two hour sub turned into seven; the other sub never showed up. It wasn’t my favorite and the class was super chatty and loud, but we made it. Around 9:30 in the morning, Teddy’s teacher came in and told me that he had a headache and was in the office lying down. They people at the school have been so kind and helpful for him. While my class was in library, I went in and talked to Teddy. He said it was loud and too many people. I asked if he wanted to go home and he said yes and no. I didn’t have a way to get him home, because I was subbing, so I told him I would check on him a little later. Well, he ended up going back to class after taking some ibuprofen. He went out to recess and just watched the kids play ball. I am proud of him for sticking it out and I am proud of myself for making it through the day subbing a hard class. It made me grateful for my job of just being a para in my class. I like being in the background and helping with what is needed. My husband told me he thought I would be a good teacher but I would not like it. I am just not smart, I work hard, but I am just not smart. So well see. Teddy skipped his sports stuff this week and will start back up tomorrow. Fingers crossed it will all work out and be okay.

Yesterday Sam and Teddy were in Pocatello most of the day for a couple of baseball games and the girls had a softball camp from 12-5. My sister was in Idaho Falls for my nieces volleyball tournament but she let me know the morning of and I couldn’t make it down to a game. I wish I had known earlier, but that’s okay. My house was a mess, so I cleaned and hung out. The NCAA gymnastics championship was on and I got to sit and watch it. I am a Florida Gators fan and they have had a hit and miss season but made it to the final four. The other teams were Oklahoma, Utah and LSU. Oklahoma has been a powerhouse all season but their scores have been significantly inflated and the same thing happened in this championship. Florida surged at the end but came up short for the second year in a row. I believe that they should have won, but I think the judges picked OU to win from the start, so whatev. It was just the kids and I at church today; when my husband doesn’t go, its hard for me to get Teddy and Sally to go but I got them to go and it went okay. Teddy walked home after the first hour and Sally threw a fit having to go to class, but her teachers are just so sweet and helped her in our singing hour and in class; once she calms down, she usually does okay. We only had 3 out of the 10 kids in our class, so that was nice.

End of March

Well, its been a week…so this week was our spring break; we decided to stay home but at the last minute we decided to go over to Boise. My husband was over there for some baseball games, so the kids really wanted to go. I was on the fence but decided to do it. Last week I mentioned about my car, so it was in the shop, so we took my husbands truck. Ill recap the whole week.

Monday, I had a hair appointment and it took a really long time. The lady put in a ton of  blond and I really like it. While I was leaving their house, I got stuck in the snow, it was deep and I could not get out. Her son had to get out a tractor and pull me out, I was so embarrassed; but I was able to get out and get home. Macy has a friend that wants to play constantly and it sometimes gets to be a lot. I am trying to set boundaries and help Macy do the same. She called me like 4 times and texted a few times while I was getting my hair done and I told her I would touch base when I got home; well she had her mom drive over to our house while I was gone. Macy ended up going to her house. Sam did not want the friend over at our house, but I let them come back later in the day for a little bit. Sometimes I have a hard time saying no.

Tuesday the girls got to go with our neighbors to Idaho Falls to a place called the Artitorium; they did some crafts. I am glad that they were able to get out of the house. Macy had gymnastics and her friend came with us; Sally was able to stay with the neighbor and I was happy about that. Teddy had a friend come over during the day and they had fun, they also had baseball practice that evening. I ended up dropping my car off at the shop on Tuesday night, so they could work on it while I had an extra car at home.

Wednesday I had to wake up early and help Sam get a rental car for his trip. Then I was able to play pickleball; the girls went to a friends house while I was gone. I had a good time; I really like it. Wednesday was the day we decided we were going to go to Boise. I texted my sister in the morning to see if we could stay with them and I did not hear back from her all day; finally late in the evening she responded that they were going to be busy but we could make it work. I was grateful.

Thursday morning Sally had a birthday party and then we left around 2:30. I called my sister but she didn’t call back until we were about 45 minutes to Boise. She wanted to know our plans and if we were going to get a hotel or stay with them. I thought I had already told her we wanted to stay with them, so I was confused and could have gotten a hotel but she said it was okay, she just needed to do some laundry and get some sheets washed. We would have totally been okay with a blow up bed and couch, but she let me take her oldest sons room. She seemed to want more time to clean up and get things ready, so the kids and I decided to try and do something. We went to two bowling places but there were leagues going on. Teddy suggested putt putt golf, so we found a place. It’s a little fun center and we had a good time. We picked up dinner at two places, Macy and I wanted Taco Bell and Teddy and Sally wanted McDonalds. We were going to each at McDonalds but their lobby was closed, so we brought it with us. We made it to my sisters house by 9:30 that night. She had things ready. Sally and I slept in one bed, Macy slept with a cousin and Teddy was on the couch.

Friday morning we just hung out, my sister and her family had plans, so we left around 11:30 to meet up with Sam for lunch; they had chosen chick-fil-a. It was a crazy house; they ended up getting their food and leaving, but the kids and I stayed; they really wanted to spend time with their dad but he was more of a coach this trip than a dad; which is fine. His games was not until 3:30 but we got to the fields at 1:30, just because there was not really anywhere else to go. Teddy had a friend and they plated wiffle ball but the girls didn’t really have anything to do. It was also really cold, I left my big coat at home and I was not happy about it. Luckily, we had a few blankets. The hour and a half before our game, I let girls use my phone and watch something under the blankets. They also had brought their coats and I was happy their had theirs. I had brought my book on the trip but left it at my sisters house, I wish I had had it to read while we waited for our game. It finally started and we got creamed; it was 17-2. Same said that the double header that they had had on Friday were much better games. They won game one on a walk off and lost the second by two points. Maybe it was just me being there, JK… So Friday night, his team was going to the same fun center that we went to the night before. Sam and Teddy did mini gold and laser tag and the girls rode a few rides and we had some dinner. We finished the night doing some arcade games and then went back to my sister’s house.

Saturday morning we woke up early; my sister and her family had to go clean the church and Sam’s game started at 10. We left her house at 9:30, we stopped at a gas station and the kids got some doughnuts. We got to the game during the first inning; the team we were playing was one of the top teams in the state. They were winning 3-0 when we got there. We didn’t have much offence until the 5^th inning where we scored 4 runs and were winning 4-3; the last inning we had an error and then the other team scored two runs, so we lost 5-4; but Sam said he felt good with the way his team played. The team left right after the game to head home, but the kids and I got some lunch, and then went back to my sisters house to pack. We stayed for an hour and then left as well. We made it home and while I am sorta glad, I have mixed feelings.

Today, Sam wasn’t feeling good so he stayed home from church, if I didn’t have a Sunday calling I would have probably stayed home too, but I had to teach today, so I went and brought Macy with me. If Sam doesn’t go, then Teddy and Sally wont go. He has missed a lot recently but  I really do not care. Someone at church asked me if Teddy didn’t like passing the sacrament anymore but I just said he wasn’t feeling good. I will not force my kids to go, just like I wont get mad if my husband doesn’t go as well. So its Sunday afternoon and I am really tired; I might take a nap. I want to read my book and I want to have my house clean. So well see what I decide to do.

I forgot to mention that last Sunday evening, my sister in law made us some peach cobbler and brought it over. My brother in law started looking at my car and thought he could help my get the stuff I needed and help with my bumper and grill. He also told me that I probably needed new tires and a few other things. So when I brought my car in the shop, I let them know what he said and if they needed to fix it, let me know. Well they called my on Wednesday and said that most of those things needed fixing and it would be $1500 bucks to fix it; its crazy. I have had this car for a little over a year and I have had to put over $5000 bucks into it. Its like clockwork, I get one thing fixed and then its another thing; it only  has 70,000 miles, so I thought it would be okay for a while, but its been one thing after another. My aunt has the same car but a year newer and she has over 250,000 miles. I just feel jipped. But I am trying to be positive. So my brother in law helped me figure out what I needed for the bumper and grill and I ordered them. There are 7 different things that I ordered and 6 of  them have come. I am waiting on one more and then he said he would help me get it all on the car. I really hope we have what we need and he can help me. I will be so grateful, I already am. I have much to be grateful for and I am trying to stay  positive.

My kids were not the greatest this weekend. I have having a hard time helping them get along and they just fight constantly. The little one whines and cries over the tiniest things  and its really challenging saying calm and trying to figure out how to help her. Most of the time I am so embarrassed to be with them in public and I most often loose my cool and it just sucks. I feel like I am failing as a parent. I am not ready for spring break to end; I need another week off while my kids go back to school. My living room is full of big boxes of car parts and our suitcases from our trip. Our downstairs is a mess too. When Sam left on Wednesday, I told myself that I was going to clean the house top to bottom and make it  look great, but then we decided to leave and its just horribly messy. I hope this upcoming week, I can get it looking okay. Its just hard, by the time I get off of my school job, I come home and work for my dad and then the kids get home and I am running around, its just a lot. I try and get help, but I do not get a lot. Its all up to me and I guess I just need the motivation to get it all done. I can do it!!!

Bummer

 Well I was happy this week because I knew spring break was coming. I knew if I got through this week, I was going to have 9 days without work and not having to wake up early. This week went pretty fast; and its only Saturday night and I normally write on Sundays but needed to get out some emotions this evening through writing. My car has been giving me issues, the people at the auto shop know me by name and without a doubt I give them a call or go in each month for something new. Well I was planning on bringing it in next Wednesday after my husband leaves out of town because my steering has been off and I probably need a new hose or something. Well this evening, after I got the girls down for bed, I decided to run to the grocery store. I was backing out of the driveway and heard some crunching sounds; I thought I was running over something, so I stopped and pulled forward and backed up again. Turns out the crunching sound was my front bumper and grill getting town apart from my car. I mush have got it caught on the chain link fence or something. I got out of the car and looked at the damage and it is bad, like real bad; I was just dumbfounded and it still hasn’t hit me. I want to ugly cry but nothing is coming out. I am past feeling and that is really hard. I know this is going to cost a boatload of money to get fixed, if it can be fixed at all. I am so shocked and I think I am sad, but I am not feeling anything at this point. Its like I cant catch a break and I don’t know what to do. I have been having a hard time in my personal life with some things and I feel like God is punishing me for my actions. But deep down I know that that is not the case, God did not cause my bumper to fall off, its all my fault but its easier to blame someone else. Anyway, I will have to call the auto place and see what I can do. I hope its fixable because I still owe a lot of money on this car and it would be devastating if it cant be fixed. So there you have it.

Almost Half Way Through!!!

The week seemed to drag on but was fast at the same time. Is that even possible. It was the first time in three weeks that we had a full 5 day school and work week. This week I did not go to the gym; part of me is mad at myself but the other part is okay with it. I stayed away from sweets until Saturday. I had to take Teddy to a friends house that was 30 minutes away. I decided I was going to stop at the soda shop. I really wanted a refresher, which is just crystal light and some syrups, I should have gotten the sugar free syrups but I got the regular.

I was proud of myself for not getting a pretzel or a cookie but when I got home I decided to call one of the families whose kid is in my primary class at church. He has been having a hard time with church and school and his behavior. I thought it would be nice to take him on a little one on one date. His dad said he was excited but when I got there, he was being shy. We finally left and went to dairy queen. I was going to get a non dairy dilly bar, which I wanted to try but I got a mini blizzard and it was actually really tasty and I was okay with it. The time with the kid was interesting, he smeared his ice cream all over and kept putting his hair in it. I tried to help him calm down but he was pretty crazy. I am not sure if I did any good by taking him out, but I wanted the family to know that I cared for him. The whole group of kids were off today in class; this particular boy was very hard to control. I wish that my little outing was going to help him but it didn’t. So we shall see.

So, I had to sub all day on Thursday and that was interesting. It is not something that I like to do; so the secretary at the school knows that I am a last last option. Well she texted me at 7:30 and said she could not find anyone else. It was for the second grade Chinese class; I know the kids because I am with them everyday as a para on the English side. They were okay but not the best. There were a few kids that were just not great. I made it thru the day and was glad when it was over. I taught the kids math and we did some mystery science. The kids liked it because they could talk in English, normally by second grade the kids can only speak Chinese in the classroom. I think it was nice for a break for a day. It felt like the day went forever though since I was there 3.5 hours longer than I normally am, but we made it.

Friday, I played pickleball and it was interesting; we normally have 4-6 people there, but most of the families weren’t available. I was going to bring my girls to help watch some little boys while the parents played, but they did not come; so I left the girls at home. One lady that plays with us, brought her daughter and her husband; im glad we had a few more players but they just beginners; I was still able to have a good time and get my heart rate up and moving. I wish I could play everyday, its so much more enjoyable than going and slamming it at the gym. I know this upcoming week I need to do good. We only have one more week of school before a week off for spring break. I am excited for the break. I wish I was going somewhere and didn’t have to worry about friends but we are sticking around here.

So that’s it; thanks for sticking around!!!

 

 

 

Its March

So my heart is close to being back together, I did not write what happened to make it fall and break, but it was ripped out and its taken a few weeks but I am back on track and doing okay.

Its March, some day crawl by but the weeks seem to fly. We didn’t have school Friday; that was nice. Its been three weeks with 4 days only of school and work and I am not complaining.

I made a determination to do better in many areas of my life. One of them was exercise and eating; it was interesting once I decided to eat better and not junk, how fast the ED thoughts came. The only way to lose weight is to starve and youll look better if you purge your food. Well I am happy because I have no desire to throw up; sometimes I get full fast and the urge to purge is there, but I will not give heed to its voice. My inner voice sucks, it really does. But this week I combated it strongly. I ate two good meals most every day and stayed away from the sweets. I haven’t stepped on the scale in a long time, I think I might sometime soon to gauge how I am doing but for now, I will focus on how I feel.

This week I went to the gym twice. I was planning on more but Wednesday we had a two hour delay for school and work and then Thursday I just decided I needed to sleep. But I did play pickleball twice this week. Wednesday and Friday. I set my watch and have fun; its such a good workout and I love playing. I wish I could do it everyday but ill take any time I can get. I hope that next week I can go to the gym if I feel good and listen to my body.

This week I tried really hard to work on boundaries. Macy has a hard friend; who wants to play constantly and I get a little overwhelmed somedays. There are days when Macy doesn’t want to play but gets coerced into it; she and I have talked that its okay if you do not want to play, you don’t have to. I hate confrontation and this week had to stand my ground and say no. Well see how it goes in the future but for now, I think we are in a better place.

My kids are still having a hard time getting along; I wish that Teddy had a brother but it just wasn’t in the cards for us. I feel bad for him, but life goes on. I sometimes feel like my kids were destined to be only children but somehow made it into our family. Its my goal to try and figure out how to help them.

End of February

Well in a few fays it will be March, pretty crazy. The past few weeks I have gone through something that has taken my heart, dropped it into pieces and now I am trying to put them back. It really is not that big compared to what some people go through, but for me its kinda was a big deal. I am going to be okay and no one will really know but its good to get it out. Like I said before, I have my little black journal that I will probably always keep hidden for just me.

This past week went fast, we didn’t have school on Monday, which was nice and this upcoming week is the end of the trimester so we do not have school on Friday. We also had a snow day the week before last, so that has been three four day weeks. I seem to always be tired and I do like it when we do not have school and I do not have work. Work has been okay, nothing spectacular, its hard coming home and working for my dad, it’s a whole lots of messages and rejection. I hope to be able to get some success but well see, I will keep trying.

I was able to talk to a friend on Monday. She lives in Utah and has always been kind to me. I really did not go in depth, I try to keep thinks skin deep when I talk. I sometimes don’t know what to say but made it through. Life has just been challenging and I am trying my best to keep a good face mask on.

Teddy had his last basketball game on Saturday and it was interesting. His team wasn’t the best this year, but he had a good coach and I think he had a good time. This game on Saturday ended kinda weird; there were some scoring issues and the other team was blatantly cheating but we came out with the win. I was glad, the other teams parents were horrible, I am not one to say anything but some of the other moms on our team were about to exchange words. I was glad when it was over.

I signed up the girls for softball this weekend. I sure do hope that it goes okay. Sally was hit and miss for tball last year and this year she has to move up to coach pitch. We shall see how she handles it. I keep saying that soon she will mature and not have so much anxiety. She meets with a counselor every week at school and she comes home and is happy to share what she learns but then the next minute she is screaming and just not being a nice person to be around. We will keep working. I wish I could be a fly on the wall of the sessions, so that I can better help her, maybe I can reach out and ask. Macy will being her first year or kid pitch; she has done pretty well with connection with coach pitch, so I hope she can keep excelling.

It was interesting today; Macy was invited to a birthday party. Its of a girl that goes to her school and is in her gymnastics class. Its not really someone I thought would invite Macy but she did. It was at the gymnastics center this afternoon. We let Macy decide if she wanted to go. I grew up in a home where we didn’t participate in activities on Sunday but my husband did. We left the decision to her and she wanted to go. I have definitely become not so strict and ridged in my thinking and was okay with her decision.

Well, I guess that is it!!! Here is to another week. I hope I can be a little better and try harder. I need to work on having better meals for my family and keeping my house picked up. We had talked about trying to find someone to come once a month to deep clean but were trying to save up some money right now, so I need to figure out how to get everything done. It’s a little overwhelming at times but there is nothing I can do about it, I just have to keep going.

Halfway Through February

Were over halfway through February and I’m over here, just trudging through. I have only gone to the gym once in the last few weeks and I am trying to be mad at myself for not going, but I am kind of at the point where I am just tired all the time. Its not so much of a I’m sleepy tired but a physical exhaustion that I am trying to hide from everyone. I think the thing I need the most is to exercise and I definitely need to eat better. Its interesting because before in my life it was so easy for me to stop eating but I have come a long way in my recovery that I know I can’t do that but I think about it a lot; the ED voices are constant. I wouldn’t classify myself as having binge eating disorder but I have a hard time restraining myself and it just sucks; I feel like I am always hungry and I reach for the foods that are not good for me. I need to figure out how to get back on track.

It was just me at church today and I tried to put on my mask but there were a few people that saw through it. I just said that I was having a hard day and I was okay. I was a little weepy but I was able to keep my emotions at bay. Sometimes I wish I could have a big cry again, that is something that I use to have but has since gone. There is really no one right now that I can really talk to; and my deepest desires and thoughts are written in a different journal, that I will probably burn on my death bed. Its not really for anyone else to read but for me to get my feelings out of my brain and onto paper. Sometimes I am jumbled and it doesn’t make much sense, so that is why I am glad to have it down but not really for other people.

It 's February

Well it was an interesting week. We did not have school on Monday and Tuesday. We went back to school on Wednesday to a new month…its February. While we were out of school, I got to sleep in a little bit and I tried to get my house clean but it got messy every time I picked up. I will talk more about it down below but I tweaked my back and had a hard time Saturday getting it cleaned for Sunday; it was extra messy because of some friends that had come by and the girls played some games. Sam told the kids a few weeks ago that he wanted them to clean up with their friends before they leave but I didn’t know of the mess until after the friend left yesterday. So when I got up this morning it was so bad. We got home from Church and I had to lie down. Sam told the kids that they were going to get it cleaned for me. It was a nice gesture, but it escalated fast. He helped some but really had the kids do most of it, which is fine; but he kept getting angry with them and also kept complaining that we have to much stuff. I agree with him but I have a hard time knowing what to keep and what to get rid of. Which is normally why I try and get the cleaning done so he doesn’t get upset; I need to do better and I need to get ride of some things. Its hard for me to not compare myself to others. If we had another bedroom and some more storage, it would be so nice; but this is what we have been blessed with. There are plenty of people who would love to have what I have and so for that, I am grateful. 

Friday, I was able to play pickleball but I felt my back starting to hurt; I played through but Saturday I woke up to some pain. By the end of the day I was in serious trouble; I took a warm bath and lied on my bed; after a little bit, I tried to stand up but I couldn’t, it hurt too bad, so I tried to sit down but couldn't do that either. I had to be lying down for relief. I took some paid medication and put some heat on it. I finally got the tens unit. I spend a good two hours in bed with it shocking my back. I was able to get up with it on and grab my medication and then was able to sleep. I woke up this morning and was actually able to get up. I still have a little pain and I am walking cautiously but it definitely doesn’t hurt as bad as last night. Now, let me tell you why I think my back hurts. It’s because of my weight gain. I am not a happy camper right now. I gained more weight this week; I do not feel like I am out of control but I do feel like I need to do something. I actually made it to the gym one time this week. I planned on going more but with the snow/cold days off of school I didn’t; Wednesday I went but Thursday I lied back down and Friday, I have to go in early, so I cant go. But I like Fridays because I get to exercise playing pickleball. So anyway, I need the motivation to go and do more things. I usually watch a show while doing the bike or elliptical, but it doesn’t leave me a lot of room to do weightlifting and I think that is key for weight loss. 

So well see what I can do this upcoming week; I might not be able to go tomorrow because I need to take my car to the auto shop. I am so annoying, its one thing after another, and this time my steering hose needs to be replaced. It is really hard to steer my car right now. I cannot believe another thing is wrong. I have not had the best luck with cars and I am feeling a little defeated. I have had this car for over a year now but have had to put so much into it; its so hard. So well see. I am going to try and eat better this week. I just seem to be starving all the time. I eat one good thing but am still hungry. I am trying to stay away from sweets but its like my body craves it. Last year, I cut it and other things out and now that I have introduced those things back into my diet, my body is holding onto everything. I am so sad. I walk around feeling so disgusted with myself, I try not to think about it but it is constantly on my mind. I feel so fat and ugly and its hard to shake. But I am alive and I have an opportunity to keep trying; and that is what I am going to do this upcoming week. 

End of January

We made it to the last week of January. Pretty crazy, I told myself that I was going to write every Sunday and normally I am pretty good at recapping but this week went pretty fast and there is really nothing much to say. We had parent teacher conferences, and the kids are doing good in school. I wish that they acted at home like they do at school. I am having a hard time being their mom. I love them but they are constantly fighting and are pretty spoiled. We have been waking up early to read and I hope it is helping them. We have not been the best at teaching the gospel in our home, so we are trying. I tried to eat better this week, but I didn’t do that good. I even had some eating disorder thoughts come into my head; its interesting when you are trying to loose weight how strong the thoughts. On one had I would do anything to loose weight but on the other hand I will not allow myself to go back to where I always went. I will keep strong. We do not have school tomorrow because of the weather, so we will get to rest…and I will tackle my house. I keep getting it cleaned and its messy in 10 minutes and my kids do not help me. I have tried to get them to but they whine and complain and I end up doing it. I need to be better at holding my ground, but I like a clean house do I just do it.  I will try!!!

We Made It!!

We made it through another week and this week I do not have much to say. 

We did not have school on Monday; it was a personal development day for the teachers, so Sam had to go into work; but the kids and I stayed home. We still got up early and read but then I went back to bed. I have definitely been in a little rut; I try and be in bed before 10 every night and most of the time I am but I am so tired all the time. Its not like a I need to sleep tired, it’s like a chronic fatigue and fog that I cannot get out of. I know that I need to go to the gym after I drop of Teddy in the mornings but right now I have been coming home and sleeping for the hour; I need to muster up the motivation to go. I think its hard too because I gained over half the weight that I lost last year and it’s disheartening. I was so strict and rigid with my eating and exercise that the moment we went on our trip during the summer and coming home, I just gained and gained. Living in a larger body is so hard; but I guess being anorexic was hard too. I feel like in my life, I have either been anorexic or overweight; I have not stayed in the middle very long; its either one extreme or the other and I am so tired of it. Maybe this week I can make the start to being healthier; go to the gym, eat a balanced diet and watch the sweets. I think I can do it. 

Last week I got a text from a lady in our ward that was putting together a girl’s night; they wanted to go to a movie at 9:30 at night. I wanted to get out of the house, but it was so late. At the last minute I decided to go; we saw the movie about Whitney Houston called I Wanna Dance with Somebody. I left the house at 8:45 and got home at 12:45; it ended up being nice, but I was so tired Friday morning at 6:45 when we got up to read; I think I fell asleep but at least I got up and went out in the living room. 

Saturday Teddy had his first real basketball game and did a great job. His team won. After his game he and Sam got to go to the temple to do baptisms. He was the only young man from our ward to go with three young women. I am glad he got the opportunity to go. I might have a hard time with a few aspects of the church; I do have a belief in God the Father and Jesus Christ. I am grateful for them and that is the basis of what I believe it. I have had prayers answered and felt the spirit in my life. I could write more on the topic, but I won’t right now. 

I was able to get our house clean as well; and it was so nice to wake up today to everything picked up and looking nice. When the alarm rang this morning I was sad, it felt like I had been asleep for an hour or less but we made it. Church was hard today; Sam didn’t wake up to come; he said he wasn’t feeling well. So, it was just the kids and I and they were not that great. I am having such a hard time with my kids. They fight constantly and just get on each other’s nerves; it is a constant battle, and I am at a lost as what to do. I just hope that they can come to tolerate each other and one day be friends, that is my hope. 

Today for dinner we were planning on having Philly Cheesesteaks and I was excited; but after coming home from church, I checked the bread in the cabinet that had looked okay on Friday and today it has some mold on it. I am not the happiest camper and I know Sam is bummed too. We will make it work but its just annoying. 

Well there you have it; this upcoming week we do not have school on Friday, so I am happy for another 4 day work and school week. Yay, I will keep trying do my best and that is all I can do. Thanks for reading along this journey with me 

Tough But Good!!!

It has felt good to write down some of my feelings this week; this post is going to sound a little like I am a debby downer because it’s been a tough few days but getting it out on paper has helped me process and keep moving on. I do not think that I took any pictures this week; so all you get is my ramblings...but its more for me, so anyway...

I’ll get real for a second, the week started off okay; Sally stayed for the afterschool program three days this week and that helped my afternoon; she comes home sad and its hard to know how to help her. One moment she says she doesn’t have any friends and the next she is talking about her friends; sometimes she is the hard friend, when someone comes to the house, things have to go her way or she kinda freaks out. Her first instinct is to cry and scream and I think it is all my fault. I haven’t been a good mom; I do not have the patience I should, and I get upset a lot. I yell and I feel so bad after I do it, but sometimes after talking to my kids for the 10th time and not getting through to them, I lose it and it sucks; I suck and I feel like they are the way they are because of me and of course my husband too but I wont get into that here. 

I just wish that my kids could get along, I do not remember anything about my childhood at the ages that my kids are, I do not remember if I got along with my siblings; maybe I should ask my mom how I was. I have a feeling that I was a hard child but I cant remember. If there is only one child at home, things go okay, but adding the second and third into the mix, it becomes so hard. I am so tired of trying to help them that sometimes I just want to throw in the towel but I know that I can’t and I will keep trying. 

My husband started his open gym for baseball this week, so he is gone until late at night; I am back to labeling myself as a married single mom because during the week that is how I feel. This week I tried to keep the house clean but I didn’t do a good job, we are accumulating so much stuff and do not have the room for it. There are days were I wish we had 5 of 6 bedrooms, so the girls each had their own room and then I could have a room for extra stuff; but then I have to remember that I have a lot more than some people. I have a place to call home, a shelter that it ours. It gets me into trouble sometimes when I compare myself to others who have more than me; and I need to be grateful for what I do have. 

So, Friday I had a rough day; it probably wasn’t that bad to someone else but for me it was. So weave hit a little trouble in the financial department. My husband works his butt off but a teacher just doesn’t get paid very much and with how much time and energy it takes him coach football and baseball, he does not make much either; my employment is part time and I do not provide much for my family. I know that its how I have always wanted it to be; I grew up wanting to be a stay at home mom, where the husband worked and I didn’t have too; for the almost 14 years of our marriage I have worked for 12, there was a two year period when he had just started teaching that I did not work and it was so nice, I didn’t want to get a job when Sally started school but I knew that I needed to and the little I do make, doesn’t make a dent; we are drowning; well I guess I am downing because I handle the finances and its just not great; and everyone is looking to me to fix it, because my husband is maxed out on what he can do and because I am the one that works part time, I need to find a way to make more money. 

My husband told me that I needed to find a full time job; and I don’t know what to do. I really like what I am doing, yes, I do not make a lot but I like being in the background and helping when needed. He wants me to become a teacher and I do not think I can do that. I do not like being the one in control and I do not think I am smart enough to do it. People think I am a nice person, but I am a coward. I wish I could walk away from everything; I wish my husband made more money and I wish my kids were nicer. I have this overwhelming feeling that things are not going to be okay and that is really hard. I walk around feeling that I have this big secret; I am not okay and I don’t know what to do. 

My husband doesn’t know what I do after I get home from work; well I use to clean and then an hour later the kids get home and I am running them around to their activities most afternoons; if I was to get a full time job, I do not know how I would get the kids to were they need to be and also how Teddy would get home from school; he just doesn’t understand all that I do  to keep our household running, he gets to deal with himself and his teaching and coaching while I deal with everything else. 

I have started working for my dad though, so not the hour and a half break I normally got from when I got off work to when I had to pick up Teddy is now filled. I have to do something for my dad that I absolutely hate; I have to make phone calls and try and talk to people that for the most part are not interested in what we are calling about. He has partnered with a company that gives us some seller leads and we call these people and see if they are interested in selling their home or wanting to find out how much their home is worth. We deal with a lot of Hispanics, some that do not speak English, so its been an interesting few weeks. It takes up all the courage I can muster to pick up the phone and make the call; I have to think about a book that I read to Sally called brave. It talks about finding courage to do things that are hard. I talk to Sally all the time about it and now I have to apply it to my own life. I hope I am helping my dad and making a difference because it is so hard. 

Something that I did do for me this week was after my first job on Wednesday I went and played pickleball. It is something that I really enjoy; it is a mix between tennis and ping pong and I have picked it up. My friend Courtney and I have played on an off this last year but its hard in the winter. But, our church put in pickleball lines in our gym, so we can go during the winter and play. We have a group that plays on Wednesday and Fridays; I normally cannot make it Wednesday nights but some ladies go Wednesday afternoons and it is nice. Sam and I normally go on Friday’s but he is not available now, so we shall see if I go. I think I will because it’s a way for me to get out and do something and it also gets my heartrate up; I’ve been having such a hard time getting to the gym and this is a way to get some exercise in. So anyway, I hope I can keep doing it. 

So this month I have budgeted and was on track but my husband made a big mistake and made a purchase for the baseball team that was suppose to be on the school credit card and it came out of our bank account. It hit me like a ton of bricks that we were not okay, we had less than $50 bucks left in our account and we have a whole week until payday; we tried to get the items he bought cancelled but we were only able to get one; the other we couldn’t cancel or change the payment method. I was so sad!!!

Guess what, I cried…I haven’t cried in over 5 years since coming home from treatment; I have really been devoid of deep feelings and this day I let it out, I ugly cried and I scared my girls who could hear me from the living room. I told them that it wasn’t them but they could feel my pain. I cried for a long while and tried to just rest, but I woke up exhausted, like all my faculties had failed. I was so sad; I kept trying to pray and I think I felt a sense of peace, but I tried to push it away to wallow in my misery; but in reality things will be okay. I just have felt this overwhelming sadness that seems to encompass me all of me. I try to make it appear that I am okay but I am not. I walk around and try to imagine to myself that I am not ugly and we have money, but in reality I feel like the ugliest person in the world and we are having a hard time. 

But things can get better, right? I hope so, I need to have a better attitude and I need to stop comparing myself to others, someone is always going to have more money, or be prettier or skinnier but nobody else is me; I am the only one who can change me and it needs to happen or I am not going to make it; I will keep trying and do my best and that is all I can do. 

First Week

Happy New Year...we made it to midnight...2023

Well its now 2023; I’ve told myself that I was going to try and write every week, so Sunday is my appointed time. For the past 4 years we have had church at a later time, with last year being at 1:30. This year we have church at 9, so I want to be up and running by 8 or 8:15 at the latest. Last week was the first week and it went okay. We did stay up until midnight; well the kids did. I was up until 12:45, the 8 am wake up call came early. I had the girls in bed by 9:30 last night and hopefully the boys went to bed at a decent hour. The morning came early again today but we made it.  

Last week I woke up on Sunday morning and felt a little off, my throat wasn’t technically sore, but there was a little tickle. I went to church and taught my class but came home and slept most of the afternoon. I got up and made dinner for the family and then went to bed early. Monday morning came so fast. We are waking up at 6:45 during the week to read from the scriptures; we read and then I laid back down. I told the kids that I wasn’t feeling well. Macy said she wasn’t either and Sally said if Macy’s wasn’t going, then she wasn’t going to go. Teddy said if I wasn’t going to go to work, then he wasn’t going to go to school, which was fine because I really didn’t want to get up and drive him. Having the girls home was so hard; they seemed to be feeling fine but they were off the wall crazy. I was so tired but they kept coming in and asking me things, they were hungry even though I had just fed them; and they were fighting constantly. By noon, Macy said she wished she was at school and I told her that I wished she was there too. Because they were not technically sick, I let Teddy go to his speed and agility class and Macy went to dance. 

A side note to that; remember this summer while on our trip, our car was had some troubles…we put in a new ignition switch in DC and a new started in Tulsa. Well at the beginning of December the car starting acting up again; it made a weird sound when trying to start and sometimes would take a few seconds; well as the month progressed it started to get worse and worse. The last Saturday before school started Teddy had asked if we could take his friend Amya to our local soda shop called Fizz Bizz; we set up a time to go and I went out to the car to get it started and after a couple of minutes and many prayers, it wouldn’t start. I came inside and told Teddy we would have to wait until dad got home; Sam had been doing some baseball lessons all morning and I asked him if we could use his car when he was done. He had already set a time to go with a friend to lunch which I didn’t know about but he was able to move his lunch to later. Also during this time, I was suppose to take Macy to a friends house and we ended up having to walk. It took us a good 15 minutes to get there; but we made it. The family has some knowledge about cars, so he brought me home and helped me with a portable battery charger, just in case it was my battery that wasn’t working. I got it hooked up and then waited. I was able to take Teddy and his friend out and then Sam was able to go out too. When I got back, I tried the car and it started with the help of the charger. I took off the cables and it took a second but started again. When Macy’s friends dropped her off, I gave them back the charger. 

So back to Monday; I had to take Teddy and Macy to their activities. I said a prayer and the car started but I didn’t want to take any changes; so after I dropped off Teddy at 3:30, I came home and left the car running for 20 minutes and then took Macy to her dance at 4:00, then came home and kept the car running again and picked up Teddy at 4:30 and did the same thing ending with Macy at 5:00. After that I came home and stayed for the rest of the night. So Tuesday, I woke up still not feeling great, but I got up and got the kids to school, I was still trying to decide if I was going to call in sick again or just come home and rest and then go in. So as I was driving Teddy to school, I had the thought to take my car into the shop. I had an appointment on the 16th for them to look at my headlight (which in itself is a different story-my luck with cars is just so not great) but I decided to take it in and see if they could help me. I waited for a little while and they came out and said that it looked like it was the starter. I told them that we had put in a new starter back in July in Oklahoma and they asked if we had the receipt. I called my dad since he was the one that was there and he said if there was a receipt, it could be in the car. So I went out to the car and checked and found it in the glove box. The people at the shop were able to get a hold of the place that we had gotten the starter from and try and see if we could get the part and labor under warranty. I was so lucky that they had a loner car at the shop and let me barrow it for the day. They were able to get the part in and will work with them on the warranty. So for now, I got my car back and I didn’t have to pay anything, which is such a miracle for me. I acknowledge the whole day was a miracle and I have so much gratitude in my heart. 

The rest of the week went okay; activities started up again. Teddy had his first basketball practice this week and he had his first game on Saturday. It was more of a jamboree style where they played 3 teams for just a quarter just to gauge ability. It seems like he had a good time. He knows all the players on his team and his coach seems nice and will be good. 

Church was good today. During second hour, we met with the young men and Teddy was ordained to the priesthood; he is now a deacon. It was special and he got to share it with his best friend Jonas. Callan, Karey and Liam were also able to come. After church we headed over to their ward building where Liam was ordained to a teacher. They are growing up so fast. What great young men they are becoming. I hope that this will help Teddy at home with being nicer to his sisters. 

We are ready for a new week...well sorta...I would like to lie in bed all week and do nothing, but such is life...I am grateful for many things and new weeks are one of them. 

I wrote this post on Sunday and thought I had posted it but I guess I didn't push publish...so its being posted on Wednesday!!!